City Proposes Sexy and Innovative New Way to House Homeless and Low-Income Macrappers

Homelessness got a whole lot sexier in Macrapolis Monday after Mayor Will H. Rush announced plans to build luxury homeless shelters throughout the city.

Rush presented the “hometels” proposal during a news conference at Shitty Hall. He spoke alongside officials from the city’s Department of Homeless Land Security.

The trillionaire mayor said that the luxury shelters will provide low-income Macrappers with quality living options at no cost. And, amid rapidly rising real estate prices, the plan sounds intriguing at the very least.

“Gone are the days where homeless people have to live in shame and mire in sub-standard conditions,” Rush said during Monday’s news conference. “This city has the power to reimagine and redefine what it means to be homeless in America. The 21st Century will be remembered as the age when homelessness transformed from gross to enviable.”

The DHLS has targeted the East Macrapolis section of Clarkelyn and the Africa section of Kings as the first two sites of construction for the hometels. Hometel residents will be able to stay at a given location for up to 90 days before they have to relocate to a new site.

“We must remember that many of these families haven’t been fortunate enough to afford to go on a vacation,” Rush said. “Now they can essentially live out a perpetual vacation in the world’s dopest city.”

The city plans to partner with Soaring Amazing, Academic Achievement, We Love Kids So Much, Children First Academy, a charter school with more than 40 locations throughout the four boroughs.

Rush said that families enrolled in the program will be able to send their children to any Amazing Achievement Academy location in Macrapolis. The students will also have 24-hour access to their Amazing Achievement Academy teachers thanks to the removal of burdensome union regulations.

Darrel Gates, commissioner of the DHLS, says that construction plans for the hometels are inspired by the concept of micro-apartments — which are being touted as an innovative way to unnecessarily pack large amounts of people into already overcrowded cities.

“Think micro-apartments. But even more compact and efficiently spaced. Designers have already come up with amazing ways to fit families of four to five people in spaces that could’ve only legally fit one occupant in the past,” Gates said during the news conference. “We can conserve space and resources and still give families a modern and chic environment to interact with.”

The individual hometel units will have state-of-the-art amenities. And, the hometel complexes will come equipped with playgrounds, pools, communal resource centers and sustainable rooftop gardens, according to the proposal.

Interestingly, even people who already have permanent residency in Macrapolis would be eligible to enter into the hometel system. Macrappers who decide to sell their homes, leave Section 8 or drop out of the city’s public housing program will be given priority preference in the new shelter system and would receive monetary compensation for entering.

“We have thousands of Macrappers living in inherited homes who are struggling to make ends meet. With Brownstones going for millions of dollars, people can go from poor to wealthy overnight,” Rush said.

“Those living in publicly subsidized homes no longer have to live under sub-par conditions and in violent environments. They can move their families into what will be some of the most luxurious facilities the city has to offer. Each unit will be a poor man’s penthouse.”

Critics say the plan is simply another scheme by the mayor to expedite the removal of the city’s most “undesirable” residents.

“Low-income Macrappers are being priced out of the city’s real estate market. And, he’s trying to make that look sexy,” Sonia Hamer, executive director of the nonprofit advocacy group Don’t Fall For it Again, tells The Bluffington Roach.

She believes that the DHLS is incentivizing low-income Macrappers to evacuate prime real estate — in a plot to accelerate the gentrification of various neighborhoods throughout the city.

“He wants them out of the brownstones. And, he wants them out of the projects, so that developers can turn those into condos,” Hamer says. “If he really wanted to help, he’d revamp the city’s affordable housing program. It’s costing the city upwards of $3,000 each month to house families in shelters. Why not put that money towards permanent housing?”

When Rush was first elected mayor in 1997, the average number of Macrappers sleeping in homeless shelters each night was just above 20,000 people a night. Two years ago, that number topped 50,000 for the first time since the Great Depression Era.

And, those figures continue to rise.

More than half of the city’s shelter population is black, and over 30 percent of shelter residents are Latino. Hamer implores Macrappers not to succumb to the lure of the new project. She argues that the short-term perks of the program will sour in the long run.

“We’ve seen this before. They packed us into those Skinner boxes, which they called housing projects, in cities across the country decades ago. Then they abandoned us. Now they want us gone,” Hamer says. “Look at Pruitt-Igoe. The same thing will happen with the hometels program if we allow it.”

The mayor’s office released a statement regarding the accusations levied against the project by critics. Rush reassured Macrappers that the project would be great for Macrapolis and promised to keep the hometel facilitates in pristine shape.

“The reality is that every thriving city wants to attract hardworking, successful, and wealthy people. They are what make a city great,” Rush said Monday. “But, we mustn’t forget about the lesser among us. And, the Hometel Project is an extraordinary way to ensure that we don’t.”

Kings Teenager Blames Internet Porn Found on Family Computer on Malware

A Historia, Kings teenager blamed computer malware Saturday for the Internet porn found on his technologically un-savvy mother’s computer.

Around noon Saturday, 14-year-old Alan Jordan’s mother, Angela Williams, went to check her horoscope and e-mail on AOL.com. Jordan thought he had memorized his mother’s limited Internet browsing routine.

He hadn’t anticipated that a friend of Williams — with slightly more advanced computer skills — would encourage his mother to do a Google Image search of a set of stainless-steal pots and pans that she’d recently purchased.

“I went to put in pots and pans on the Google, and the word ‘pussy’ came up,” Williams tells The Bluffington Roach. “Then all of this smut popped up on my computer.”

She immediately yelled to her son’s room — demanding an explanation for why 13 vaginas had just popped on her computer screen.

At that moment, a nervous tingle pulsed through Jordan’s body. Usually a masterfully clandestine masturbator, Jordan knew that he had slipped up this time.

“I got sloppy,” Jordan tells BluffRo. “Rule No. 1: never end a session without clearing all web browsing data. I got way too cocky about my mom’s awful computer skills. This was a real wake-up call.”

Google’s AutoFill feature was the catalyst for Jordan’s demise. AutoFill relies on a user’s prior search history to predict and automatically complete search inquiries.

Earlier that morning, around 2 a.m., Jordan watched a loop of infomercials for the “Show Me Your Tits Whore” DVD series on television. Boredom, blurred-out breasts, and unsatisfied curiosity drove Jordan to his mom’s laptop.

He did his usual safety checks. First, he made sure that his sister, Gloria Jordan, was asleep in her room — which is adjacent to his. He gave a quick listen for his parents, and then made his dash for the laptop.

Every precaution was taken — every precaution except for browser history.

“Rihanna breasts,” “Kim Kardashian ass, “ “Kate Upton boobs,” and “Halle Berry Monster’s Ball” are just a few of the autocomplete inquiries that Williams discovered and read aloud in the presence of Jordan, her friend, his father, and his sister.

“For real ma, on everything I love, I have no idea how this got here,” Jordan recalls telling his mother. “It’s those pop-ups. These sites try and put viruses on the computer. Credit scammers and what not…I only go on ESPN and a few other music sites. We probably need Norton Anti-Virus honestly.”

Still angry and still confused, Jordan’s mother continued to probe him about the naked pictures. Jordan continued to evade. Capitalizing on her confusion, Jordan began throwing out more and more random computer jargon – jargon which would only sound relevant to the unwitting ear.

Stuck between not wanting to come to grips with the fact that her son likely used the family computer to beat his meat and the fact that she knows nothing about the Internet, Williams caved.

“Look, just don’t use the computer anymore,” Williams told him. “Every time I turn around something is broken in this house! You’re probably on the damn thing too much — making it too hot to work right.”

Scientists Shocked Fedoras Still Worn at Such High Rate

Scientists are baffled by recent data showing a continued rise in the number of fedoras worn in Macrapolis.

“The scientific community was almost certain that the fedora trend would begin to fade by now,” Fred Noble, special projects director at the Research Institute on Trends, tells The Bluffington Roach . “We severely underestimated people’s desire to appear artistic and just a tad-bit off-beat.”

The RIT first started tracking fedora statistics during the spring of 2008 — that’s when the popularity of the head-wear first burst onto Macrapolis’s fashion landscape, according to Noble. By 2010, fedora purchases had sky-rocketed. Over 33 percent of Macrappers, ages 18-51, owned a fedora.

“Those are extremely high numbers for a straw hat. We thought the popularity of the product had peaked that summer,” Noble says. “We expected to see a steady decline in the popularity of fedoras from that point on.”

The institute’s projections were way off.

Recent data gathered by the RIT, shows that as many as 70 percent of Macrappers owned and wore a fedora at least twice during the summer of 2013 — a near 40 percent increase from 2010.

The biggest surprise about the current popularity of the fedora — is that it was originally a wardrobe choice that reflected the individuality and uniqueness of its owner. Yet, despite the fact that the style is overwhelmingly mainstream now, many fedora-wearers still believe that the hat is a reflection of their inner-artist.

“If everyone is wearing fedoras, and everyone is going for the care-free artistic look, when will that stop being unique and just become standard?” Robert Jones, a large curmudgeonly black guy from The Onx, tells BluffRo.

Noble doesn’t see the trend slowing down anytime soon.

“It looks like this trend might be here for the long haul,” Noble says. “If our projections hold true, we could see anywhere from a 7 to 11 percent increase in the number of fedoras worn by the summer of 2014.”

Sit Down With Leeann Cherry, Author of “Swiss Army Cock: Becoming the Men She Always Wanted You To Be”

We recently had the opportunity to speak with renowned psychologist and soon-to-be published author, Leeann Cherry, about her upcoming book Swiss Army Cock: Becoming the Men She’s Always Wanted You to Be, which is set for release next month.

The book identifies 821 common, and often conflicting, characteristics that women desire for their men to embody. And, it offers a step-by-step guide on how to convince men to embrace them all.

(Editor’s Note: Some of the interview has been edited for brevity and clarity)

The Bluffington Roach: Let’s talk about your upcoming book, Swiss Army Cock: Becoming the Men She’s Always Wanted You to Be.

Leeann Cherry: I’d love to. I’ve put a lot of work into this book, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to talk about it with such a respected news organization.

BluffRo: Let’s jump right into this. How the heck did this book come about?

Cherry: Well, I’m a certified psychologist, specializing in couples’ therapy. I’ve had my own practice for more than a decade. Early on in the profession, I realized that one of the biggest causes of dysfunction in a relationship is a man’s unwillingness to be everything a woman wants him to be.

So, for the past seven years I’ve been fine-tuning methods of getting men to realize that it’s absolutely reasonable, and not at all ridiculous, for them to be everything that their woman desires for them to be — at every given moment of any given day. Not only is this possible, but it’s necessary for a healthy relationship.

I’ve gotten such positive feedback from the women whose men I’ve treated over the years. They kept telling me ‘You need to write a book. You need to write a book.’ And, what do you know? Just a few years later, Swiss Army Cock is here.

BluffRo: A lot of people would disagree with the notion that a man can offer everything that a woman needs, or thinks she needs, from him. Especially when some of the qualities that women say they’re looking for in a man, directly conflict with one another.

In fact, you list a bunch of contradicting desires in your book. Here are a few examples of contradictions that you say a man can easily overcome:

I want a man who’s rough-and-tumble, but also mild-mannered, sensitive, and non-confrontational.
I want a man who’s dedicated to building his career but has lots of free time to spend with me throughout the week.
I want a god-fearing man who’s free-minded enough to think like an atheist.
I want a man who maintains an orderly, organized, and tightly run life, but who’s also spontaneous and not attached to any particular schedule.
I want a man who loves pizza but isn’t afraid to hate cheese and tomato sauce.

Cherry: Listen. We all know that men are stubborn. (Laughs). My book is here to help men put their stubbornness aside and stop trying to figure out why their women want them to like apple juice but hate apples and juice. And instead, figure out how to like apple juice but hate apples and juice. You understand what I’m saying?

BluffRo: No I don’t. This sounds more and more stupid the further you explain it. But, maybe things will become more clear when you breakdown some of the techniques you use to teach men how to deal with such conflicting requests.

Cherry: I’m not seeing how this is so confusing for you, but I’m sure a better understanding of the reprogramming sessions will help. So, bas…

BluffRo: Reprogramming? That sounds really disturbing and rather unethical. Don’t you think?

Cherry: It’s really way more harmless than it sounds. It’s a simple series of exercises that work to slightly readjust the existing thought patterning in a man’s brain. It enables men to live up to all the expectations that women heap on them.

BluffRo: You’ve actually managed to make the whole process sound even creepier than it did before. It sounds more like you’re creating a super-cyborg rather than a better partner.

Cherry: That’s in no way the intention of the book. Again, it’s about preparing men to be whatever a woman wants them to be based on the mood that the woman is in at any given moment. It only seems unnatural because society breeds us to believe that it’s “normal” to have a fairly consistent personality. But, God blesses us with the ability to be more flexible than that.

This is about helping men turn something that’s sounds totally illogical on the surface into something logical in reality.

BluffRo: I’m going to run this audio back for you after the interview so you can hear what you’re saying out of your mouth.

Cherry: You’re working really hard to complicate this aren’t you? My program is non-invasive. Basically the brain is a super computer that runs via electricity. As with any electronic device, the brain can be manipulated to create desired responses, blah, blah, blah, blah…just some harmless mind manipulation you know? Usually, I administer electromagnetic therapy at the office, but the same goals can be achieved by anyone who has access to an LCD monitor and a purchased copy of my therapeutic Swiss Army Cock training DVD.

BluffRo: You’re a renowned therapist?

Cherry: Music Therapy is also a part of the program. In order to mimic the effects of a woman requesting her man to do, and be, multiple things all at once, I do a Rapid Genre Changing exercise. During RGC exercises, men must try their hardest to dance rhythmically to a certain song until it changes. Each song usually lasts for three to six seconds before a new song comes on that has a completely different tempo and belongs to a completely different genre.

Men have to remember that it’s not about the metaphorical DJ changing her tempo to a more sensible pace. It’s about staying in step with her rhythm no matter how ridiculously off-beat it gets.

BluffRo: You don’t sound like a couples’ therapist mam. You sound more like a mid-20th century mind-control scientist. And, quite frankly, I’m really uncomfortable talking to you right now. My better instincts are urging me to end this conversation, but I’m dying to ask you just one more question:

In all the years that you’ve been counseling couples, you’ve never once advised a woman to take some time alone to figure out what it is that she’s truly looking for in a man?

Cherry: To that, I ask you this: is chivalry dead? Is society so chauvinistic? Are men so stubborn? So selfish? So selfish, that they can’t give basic brain reprogramming a try? What does love even mean anymore?

I have a dream. I have a dream that one day the question will no longer be: what can a woman do for herself in a relationship? And instead be: what can a man do to accommodate her every whim?

BluffRo: Your thought process alarms me…

Macrapolis Corner Stores Will Need More Than Blue Chips and Hummus to Qualify as Organic

macrapolis_stores_hummus — A Clarkelyn store likely to be affected by new legislation.

City Council lowered the boom on Macrapolis convenience stores Monday by passing legislation that prohibits establishments from claiming to be organic without selling actual organic food.

The passing of Local Law 714 aims to tighten requirements on local convenience stores seeking to go organic. Previous standards for going organic only required establishments to install long clear glass windows, add a fancy awning, and sell hummus and chips in healthy looking packaging and containers.

The new organic standards now require establishments to offer actual fresh organic food. Each store is required to carry at least four fresh vegetable and fresh fruit items, and at least five other non-genetically modified products.

Clarkelyn Councilwoman Melanie Selah, a co-sponsor of the bill, says the legislation will bring justice to the thousands of Macrappers who have been duped by deceptive storeowners.

“With the passing of this law, Macrapolis finally has an opportunity to begin healing from the wounds caused by this predatory practice,” Selah tells The Bluffington Roach. “Macrapolis citizens have the right to know that blue chips and hummus alone do not make someone a healthy vegan. Neither does soy ice cream.”

Most importantly, Selah hopes that the bill will help people overcome the self-deception caused by the explosion of inorganic organic stores.

“Under the old rules, many people felt peer-pressured into shopping at stores with nice awnings, nice glass doors and clear windows — just so they could try and fit in with popular health fads,” Selah says. “People no longer have to pretend to be health conscious by buying extremely over-priced junk food in natural-looking wrapping.”

While the new legislation should offer some relief to consumers, many store-owners say that the bill will have a devastating effect on business.

“This food is expensive. They’re driving us out of business with this madness,” Hamid Al Saud, a local store owner in Found Heights, tells BluffRo. “This is what the people want. How are we going to keep up?”

Al Saud says his corner store enjoyed a huge spike in profits after installing blue chips and clear glass windows two years ago.

He fears that he may be forced to go back to identifying as a regular convenience store. And, he contends that such a move would damage the good reputation that his store has gained with the new demographic of people who have moved into the neighborhood.

“I understand that business owners are worried. But, our first priority is the consumer,” Selah says. “Besides, our committee thoroughly researched the impact of the legislation. And, we found that many people will stop pretending to be super healthy, once so many of these stores stop pretending to be organic.”

Local Law 714 is set to go into effect in September. Businesses will have until January 2015 to adhere to the law’s ordinances before violations will be subject to penalty.

Advocacy Group Launching Campaign to Restrict Struggling Rap Careers

The Urban Entrepreneur Negro Coalition announced plans yesterday to launch a city-wide campaign to dissuade grown-ass men from pursuing a career in rap.

UENC’s [W]rap It Up campaign will encourage adult males to spend no longer than three years trying to transform their hip-hop fantasies into a reality. Over the next six months, UENC hopes to reach 70 percent of the struggle-rappers living in the city.

The recommendation is inspired by the NCAA eligibility rule which gives its athletes five years — from the start of enrollment at an institution — to participate in a maximum of four years of intercollegiate competition.

UENC asks aspiring adult rappers to give themselves a three-year window — from the first time they write, freestyle, or record music, with the intent to be a rapper — to create something which even remotely resembles a career.

Rappers with actual careers profit from the music they create. They get paid to perform it. And, they’ve built up some kind of buzz surrounding it.

“We need to combat the epidemic of grown men pursuing fruitless careers in shit they’ll never succeed in,” Khalid Williams, executive director of UENC, tells The Bluffington Roach. “We don’t want to murder ambition. But I mean…shit.”

[W]rap it Up will educate struggle rappers on the improbable odds of “making it” in the rap game.
“There’s really only like 20-30 rappers who are hot at any given time,” Williams says. “So, the roughly 2.5 million grown-ass men who fantasize about becoming rap stars need a wake-up call.”

While Williams is optimistic that the new recommendations will be a wake-up call for these grown-ass men, he could be underestimating their level of disillusionment.

A recent study conducted by the psychiatric unit at Cellevue Hospital revealed that 58 percent of black men, between the ages of 13-47, are harboring lifelong dreams of being successful rappers — without actually possessing any of the necessary talent.

Kareem Gates, 33, is an aspiring rapper from Whitesville, Clarkelyn. He prefers to be identified by his stage name “CokeReem DatDude-GotBars.” CokeReem, who’s been “spitting” for seven years now, has two kids, no job, no appreciable rap skills, but maintains a dogged passion for his craft.

“It’s simple my G, when you got a gift you don’t let shit hold you back!” CokeReem told BluffRo in his best Rick Ross Voice. “My nigga Cole said it the best G, all I got is a dollar and a dream.”

In conjunction with its city-wide campaign, UENC will provide a transitional program for those close to aging out of the struggle-rap system.

It will be a difficult task to pry these dreamers away from their illusion, but UENC plans to offer incentives to reel them — such as Retro Jordan’s, satin Gucci wife-beaters, Louis Vuitton testicle-hammocks, Versace-quilted toilet paper, and a bottle of Hennessy Black.

Thompson says that UENC originally sought to offer meaningful benefits — free job training, college financial aid, affordable housing placement, and other underfunded services. But, the organization quickly realized that a talent-less 33-year-old man who’s still chasing a spot in the rap game is not looking for the same kind of help that a reasonable person would.

So it settled on offering them nigga-shit, which is essentially shit that niggas don’t really need. As enticing as nigga-shit is to niggas, it may not be enough to dissuade every aging struggle-rapper from prolonging his inevitable failure.

“I ain’t gonna front, those satin Gucci wife-beaters is tough, but ya’ll niggas doing basic science. I’m on that two-digit multiplication wave. Yah dig?” CokeReem says. “Yeah I could get one satin Gucci wife-beater now, but once I blow, a nigga gonna be able to get like four, five of them shits.”

Employees File Complaint With Human Resources Over Boss’s Testicles

employee_hr — CFO Woody Cohen Jr. attempts to post up employee Ben Wilson before the two even leave the locker room.

A group of male employees at a Macrapolis-based financial firm filed a formal complaint with human resources yesterday because their boss doesn’t wear underwear when they play pick-up basketball.

Three junior associates at the prominent Panhattan financial firm, Woody Cohen and Associates, say that their boss’s free-balling tendencies have created a hostile and abusive outside-of-work, work environment.

Carter Clarke, 31, George Hilliard, 33, and Ben Wilson, 32, are fed up with their boss, Woody Cohen Jr. And, they’re demanding that he start wearing underwear during all out-of-the-office recreational activities.

The three employees understand the dangers of challenging the firm’s head honcho. But, they insist that any repercussions that may arise from the complaint will be easier to endure than another minute on the basketball court with Cohen.

Wilson says that basketball nights with Cohen have left him forever scarred. It’s so bad the he can’t even exercise indoors anymore.

“I can’t even walk into a gym anymore without breaking down into tears. The sweaty scent of the room is too much for me to handle. I can still smell him,” Wilson tells The Bluffington Roach. “I can’t even play ball with my 5-year-old son on his toy hoop without breaking out in a cold sweat.”

Wilson remembers the first time Cohen stepped onto the court with him and his co-workers three years ago.

He remembers Cohen’s rail-thin 5-foot-9 frame, his abnormally long armpit hairs, his faded men’s league jersey from 40 years ago. And, most vividly, Wilson remembers Cohen’s testes-cutter mesh shorts, which he wore with no drawers underneath and which his right testicle hung half-way out of.

The three associates were reluctant to file the complaint because they all agree that Cohen is a great boss and an all-around decent guy. They concede that he’ll likely be the best boss they’ll ever have.

Cohen demands excellence and hard work, but he keeps the office atmosphere loose and considers the needs of all his employees. In fact, all three men are on the fast track to becoming senior associates within the next three years.

Most people would call the men crazy for putting a relatively stress-free, six-figure job in jeopardy for such a seemingly minor issue. But, the men say that the alleged abuse is destroying their personal lives.

Clarke says he’s experienced deep intimacy issues in his love-life because of Cohen.

“I can’t bear the sight of my girlfriend in panties, boy-shorts, or even a thong anymore. I’m too afraid that a testicle is going to randomly pop out,” Clarke tells BluffRo. “We had to cut a hole through an old pair of her blue jeans just so we can have intercourse.”

Apparently Cohen loves physical play on the court. Hilliard describes Cohen as the kind of guy who will box his opponent out at the three-point line before a shot even goes up. And, even though he’s really un-athletic and uncoordinated, he prides himself on playing ferocious defense. Plus he’s an old guy, so his offensive post-up game extends throughout the entire court.

Hilliard once had a passion for dancing and partying. Now he can’t even two-step with a woman without harkening back to memories of balls-to-body contact with Cohen.

Visualize a set of bare 70-year-old balls and a man’s ass in small mesh shorts, and it’s easier to understand why the three men would put their careers on the line by filing the complaint.

Some readers are likely wondering why the three men didn’t simply approach their boss and politely ask him to put his dick away while they played basketball. Well, it turns out that Cohen is not such a nice guy when it comes to employees questioning his sportswear choices.

When the three men first started making rumblings around the office about the alleged sexual harassment, fellow employees warned them not to step to Cohen with their complaints.

It turns out that for each new set of junior executives who come up the ranks, Cohen chooses a new sport to fall in love with. He then pushes the newly promoted executives to partake in the sport with him until they reach senior level status.

The sport of choice for the previous cycle of junior executives was water polo. Apparently they endured similar trauma. Cohen competed against them while wearing an aquatic thong.

Shaken by Cohen’s wardrobe choice, one of those junior executives allegedly approached Cohen about changing his water polo apparel. The next day, the man showed up to work and discovered that his keycard had been deactivated and found his belongings stacked up in boxes in the corner of the building’s lobby, according to colleagues.

It’s also alleged that Cohen made a few calls to his finance buddies around town. The fired junior executive never found work in Macrapolis’s financial sector again. He now cleans pools for wealthy hedge fund managers in Connecticut.

Thus, Wilson, Clarke, and Hilliard understand that they’re going up against the machine. But, they are praying that official documentation, in the form of the complaint, might force Cohen’s hands when it comes to retaliation.

A resolution for the complaint could take anywhere from six weeks to three months. They don’t want to make a big fuss about the whole thing either.

“Basketball is a contact sport,” Hilliard says. “All we’re asking is that he put his balls away.”

Murders Over Who’s Got Next During Pick-Up Basketball Spiraling Out of Control

A record-high 69 people were murdered in the U.S. last year over next in pick-up basketball.

Anyone who plays pick-up basketball knows that guys get overly gangster when it comes to arguing over who’s got next. They often become irrationally enraged. That irrational rage is now escalating into cold-blooded murder at an alarmingly high rate.

Players Against Rec-League Non-sense, a nonprofit organization dedicated to cleaning up the world of low-stakes basketball, estimates that roughly 115 people were murdered last year during pick-up basketball disputes — 69 of those murders were directly related to arguments over who’s got next.

Macrapolis leads the nation in who’s got next killings. And, City Council is pushing for legislation that would require pick-up basketball locations to post sign-in sheets for those seeking to declare next.

“It’s evident that adult men can’t handle the responsibility of deciding who’s got next,” City Councilman Kwame Johnson tells The Bluffington Roach. “We are confident that the list requirement will save lives.”

Many disputes over next can be attributed to shitty communication.

One guy will walk up to the side of the court and yell I got next without confirming whether or not he’s actually been heard. Later on, another guy will walk up to a random person on the sideline and tell him, and him alone, that he’s “got next.”

The men will profile on the sideline until it’s their turn to play instead of making it clear who has next. When the inevitable clash between the two comes to a head, the two men will square up with one another like every ounce of their manhood is at stake.

The exchange will go something like this:

Dickhead #1: Nah, my nigga I’ve been waiting her for like 46 ½ minutes. I’m on.

Dickhead #2: What the fuck are you talking about? As soon as I came in here I told him I had next, (as he points to the random guy he declared next to).

Random Guy: (He never wanted to be involved in the argument but reluctantly nods his head in agreement). He did.

Dickhead #1: Nah fuck that, I’ve been here since breakfast my nigga. I’m not getting off. (He nonchalantly shoots the ball from half-court to let niggas know he doesn’t give a fuck and that he’s there to stay).

Dickhead #2: Nigga I ain’t getting off. So, I guess niggas not playing then.

Dickhead #1: Get the fuck outta here son. Stop frontin’ for the cameras my G.

This exchange will go on for a long-time because whoever backs down first will feel like a bitch for the next three days. The dynamics between the two men will vary from situation to situation.

One might clearly appear bigger and tougher than the other. And, the rest of the gym knows who would win a fight if something actually popped off. But, the clearly weaker man will display quite defiance, so he can feel like he still has some testosterone left in his nuts.

Alternatively one of the guys might be a gym regular who feels like he has the protection of other gym regulars behind him if he ever had to actually act on his tough talk.

There could be another scenario where one guy is really shitty at basketball but lifts mad weights. He’ll probably have strong-ass deltoids with the game of a diabetic fashion designer. Thus, he’ll seek to assert his manliness any chance he can outside the context of actual basketball — which he is gay at.

Proving ones manhood during recreational pick-up basketball means everything. So, naturally it would make sense to kill the guy who’s arguing with you over next rather than be the bigger person and put your ego to the side.

PARLN supports the legislation, but understands that even the most logical tracking system may not be enough.

The organization warns that there will always be dickheads, with the right blend of insecurity and arrogance, who will escalate situations to unnecessarily dangerous levels.

“One would think that a list that clearly establishes the order of who gets to play would be full-proof,” Eric Welsing, executive director of PARLN, tells BluffRo. “But, we must realize that even the strongest legislation won’t stop a dickhead from being an asshole.”

Sources: LeBron James Underwent Hairline Platelet Therapy in Off-Season

lbj_post_surgery — James recovering in hospital following off-season procedure to repair damaged hairline.

LeBron James underwent plasma-rich platelet therapy on his arthritic hairline during the off-season, according to sources close to the two-time champion.

As The Bluffington Roach recently reported, James battled chronic hairline soreness last season. The soreness was the result of a hairline-fracture-of-the-hairline injury that James suffered early in his career.

James held out hope that the platelet therapy would do for his hairline what it did for Kobe Bryant’s arthritic right knee in 2011. Thus far, the procedure seems to have worked out pretty well for James.

PRP treatments are no longer shrouded in the same level of mystery that they were when Bryant first got his knee done. In fact, scores of professional athletes have received similar treatments here in the U.S since that time.

But, James was the first person in the world to receive the therapy on his hairline, and the FDA is still vague on its guidelines regarding the manipulation of hair tissue. Thus, he had to venture to Germany for the procedure.

“It looked like Kobe jumped straight out of the fountain of youth when he got his knee done. And, he went strong on it for more than two years — despite his age,” a source close to James tells BluffRo . “We know this probably won’t last forever, but ‘Bron is hoping to get a good three or four more years out of his hairline.”

The reigning MVP initially considered getting an outright hair-transplant but felt that the PRP therapy was better suited to help repair his severely damaged hair tissue. PRP therapy is a minimally invasive procedure that involves extracting blood from a patient’s arm and spinning that blood on a centrifuge — in order to isolate rich blood platelets.

The isolated platelets are then injected into the site of the damaged area via ultrasound technology. The platelets are supposed to help stimulate tissue repair in the targeted area. Definitive conclusions on the effectiveness of the treatment have yet to be reached, and not every recipient of the treatment displayed the same level of improvement as Bryant did. Just look at Andrew Bynum.

James knew that Bryant’s remarkable recovery likely had as much to do with the PRP treatment as it did with his superb work ethic and superior will to win. With that understanding, James took an extremely diligent and dedicated approach to rehabbing his hairline during the off-season.

Sources say that James also investigated the dietary habits of Bryant, and other diet-conscious athletes such as pro-football star, Tony Gonzalez. Many athletes overlook the damage that sugar, salt, and saturated fats inflict on the nerves, muscles, and tissues — as they rob the body’s blood and cells of vital nutrients and hydration. Thus, James reportedly overhauled his entire eating regimen.

James is said to be pleased with the progress of the injury, and members of his camp say that his hairline hasn’t looked this good since high school.

“His hairline looks 10 years younger. The medical staff cut down his barber treatments to four times a week,” a source tells BluffRo. “And, I’m not supposed to tell you guys this. But, lately he’s been getting up and down the court in practice without the aid of a headband brace.”

How Macrapolis Mayor Will Rush Secured Improbable Fifth Term in Office

mayor_rush — Mayor Will Rush delivering fifth inauguration address at Shitty Hall in January.

It’s not often that a leader comes along who possesses enough moxie to take a stand and completely redefine the original purpose of term limit laws for elected officials.

January marked the third time in more than 16 years that Macrapolis Mayor Will H. Rush has done just that. He’s now embarking on his fifth consecutive term as mayor.

Detractors assume that it is the trillionaire mayor’s deep pockets that allowed him to secure three improbable term-limit extensions. But, supporters of Rush argue differently.

“Three extra terms aside, it’s hard to argue with results,” Macrapolis City Council Speaker Eva Thatcher tells The Bluffington Roach. “We should applaud the mayor for giving the city a much needed facelift over the past 16 years. We have thriving neighborhoods, safer streets, and unprecedented choice in education.”

Once Rush stops extending his term limits and finally leaves office, he’ll likely be remembered for his unapologetic delivery and his never-take-no-for-an-answer-at-any-costs-absolutely-never-ever attitude. It is Rush’s win-at-all-costs mentality that likely compels him to continuously rewrite the most basic tenets of democracy in Macrapolis.

Rush sent shock waves throughout the city three months prior to the 2005 mayoral election. That’s when whispers emerged about his intentions to challenge the city’s term limit laws.

Those intentions were soon made public. He warned that a transfer of power in Macrapolis just four short years after the tragic events of 9/11 would prove calamitous for the city.

Macrapolis wasn’t directly hit, but the city is situated on the border of New York City, New Jersey, and Who-Gives-a-Shit-It’s-Clearly-Not-a-Real-Place. Thus, Rush argued that under such extenuating circumstances, his business savvy and proven track-record of making money for himself, made him the most qualified person in Macrapolis to keep the city safe from potential terror plots.

Despite his compelling argument, the odds seemed against the mayor to pull off such a feat. Macrapolis had already voted twice in earlier elections to institute term limits. Mayor Rush himself had previously lambasted the notion of lifting the law.

Rush’s predecessor, former Mayor Benjamin Gates, made a failed bid for a third term when he was in office. Gates argued that he needed to remain in office while the Macrapolis Blacksox made their run at a third-consecutive Major League Volleyball championship — following back-to-back World Series victories in ’96 and ‘97.

Rush’s push gained momentum as Council Speaker Thatcher, who staunchly opposed Gates’ bid for a third term, unexpectedly flip-flopped on her stance. She began lobbying council members to vote in favor of the eleventh-hour extension.

Rush also received timely endorsements from various Macrapolis Power Players — including the owners of the Macrapolis Daily Star and the Macrapolis Tribune. And, with controversial approval from the city council, Rush successfully secured the opportunity to run for a third term — in an election that he ultimately won by a narrow margin.

“He’s proven himself to be the most prolific and forward-thinking leader to ever take the reins of Macrapolis,” the Tribune wrote in an editorial favoring a third term for Rush. “Macrappers have spoken. They’re clamoring to keep a man in office whose proven track-record of making a lot of money for himself — will ensure that this great metropolis remains a safe place to live.”

Deja-vu struck the city in 2009, as the worst recession since the Great Depression era brought the global economy to its knees. After promising that he’d never bid for an additional term again, fate tugged on the cape of the super-rich mayor for a second time.