Shock Story: Female Club-Goer Looks to Bathroom Attendant for Pull

clubbathroom — The bathroom area has been cordoned of as *Top Shelf Nightclub* investigates the grisly bagging.

A female club-goer actually attempted to gain pull at a nightclub Saturday by flirting with the club’s bathroom attendant, witnesses say.

It was Latisha “Ti-Ti” Smith’s 26th birthday. She had arranged earlier in the week to celebrate her birthday at Top-Shelf Nightclub in Panhattan. Apparently she thought her friends would be able to get in for free all night. But when some of them arrived late on Saturday, club personnel denied them free entry — claiming that they were only good up until midnight.

A male witness says the heinous incident occurred at approximately 1:33 a.m. That’s when he saw Smith engaged in a conversation with the club’s bathroom attendant. He alleges that Rollin Handwyer, a 32-year-old veteran restroom-helper, and Smith were talking near the entrance of the ladies room.

Phil Maddox, a 23-year-old resident of East Macrapolis in Clarkelyn, says he witnessed the attendant exchange phone numbers with Smith. He allegedly overheard the attendant promising to “hook” Smith and her friends “up” if they ever decided to party at Top Shelf again.

Dumbfounded, Maddox turned to the dude waiting next to him on the bathroom line for confirmation. The dude returned an equally perplexed look.

“That’s the wildest convo I’ve heard in a minute,” Maddox tells The Bluffington Roach. “This chick really tried to get the club hook-up through the soap and paper-towel guy. No disrespect to what he do, but I mean…”

According to Maddox:

The improbable connection was sparked off by Smith’s visible anger. She loudly vented to her friend about the club and its staff while she waited on line for the bathroom.

“Do these bitches know who the fuck I am? This little raggedy ass club ain’t shit. I’ll buy this whole spot out,” Smith allegedly told her friend. “That corny-ass nigga at the door better stop playing with me. I’ll fuck his whole life up.”

The men’s and the ladies rooms are too small at Top-Shelf for an attendant to stand inside. So, Handwyer had his station — which was lined with paper-towels, $1 pieces of gum, and $2 peppermints — set up on a wall in-between the entrance of the two restrooms.

Due to the close set-up, Handwyer had a front-row view of Smith’s tirade. Right before Smith entered the bathroom — she hocked and spat into his trash bin. And, that’s when Handwyer began plotting his attack.

Perhaps it was the bulging flesh seeping through her three-sizes-too-small backless top. Or, maybe it was her skin-tight skirt, which partially revealed the folds of her butt cheeks. Or, it could’ve been her shimmering, rhinestone-encrusted birthday tiara.

Whatever it was, something enticed Handwyer to turn up the charm. We reached out to him for an account of how he laid his mac-game down. This is what he had to say:

I’m in the back of the club by the restrooms doing what I do or whatever. Getting that bread, yah dig? I’m a smooth nigga; so of course I be rapping the joints up all night. They stay hitting me back with the smiles, waves, may I’s and thank yous.

It’s nothing though. That’s the norm.

So, like 1:30 rolls around. By that time, I’m in full g-mode. I go to give this dude a paper towel to dry his hands or whatever, when I seen shorty come out the ladies room.

I peeped her while she was waiting on line to use the bathroom. I was like ‘yoooo she’s bad as shit.’ She had this sexy black top on with the back out, and the cake was looking O.D. right.

So, I tell the dude I’m handing the paper towel to, to kindly step to the side so I can go at shorty. Then I hit her with the craziest line. I was like ‘Ma you wet as hell (cause her hands was wet or whatever). Is there anything I can do to help you with that? Of course she start smiling back and all that.

She looked wild pissed before that though, and I’m like ‘shorty your ass too fat to be mad like that.’ I need to see you smile? I caressed her chin as I said it too — on some true smooth nigga shit.

Then she told me how the doorman was bullshitting and shit. Nigga made her peoples pay at the door. The crazy thing about it was, she said she was wit like four other joints just as bad as her. Like, how you gonna make the bad joints pay to get in? That’s bad business right there.

I’m like these door niggas be wilin’. So I was like, ‘shorty take down my number and hit me up next time you roll through so I can handle that.’ She took it down, gave me hers, smiled, thanked me, and threw a dollar in my tip-basket. Light work.

BluffRo reached out to Smith multiple times to confirm Handwyer’s account, but we were unable to get in contact with her. It’s still unclear how large of a role alcohol played in the incident or whether Handwyer, or any other restroom attendant for that matter, can actually have “pull” at a club.

Onx Teen Sits Idly by while Barbershop Settles on Collida Rice as Name of Former State Secretary

barburrrian

An Onx teenager feels like an asshole for allowing the barbers and customers at his local barbershop to come to the completely wrong consensus about the name of a former politician.

“Somehow, every dude in the shop came to the conclusion that her name is Collida Rice,” Gabriel Walker, a 17-year-old Warningsign Heights native, tells The Bluffington Roach.

The group was actually referring to former U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice — the first black female to hold the position.

The confusion began Thursday afternoon while Walker was waiting to get a haircut. That’s when everyone at the barbershop broke into a thoughtful conversation about politics — specifically the effectiveness of black politicians in America.

Some of the folks in the barbershop were quick to characterize black politicians as self-serving and ineffective. Others argued that black politicians can only accomplish as much as the system allows them to and as much as black people demand, according to Walker.

One barber was adamant in his belief that most black politicians are in power because they’re willing to sell-out their own people. The barber argued that black politicians are able to push agendas that are blatantly detrimental to their black constituencies because many black voters are falsely comforted by the fact that they share the same skin color.

Walker says the barber delivered an impassioned and eloquent speech, in which he argued that there are hordes of black leaders, at every level, who do more to derail the progress of the black community than they do to advance it.

The speech was progressing flawlessly. That is… up until the point that he attempted to cite former Secretary of State Rice is an example of such a politician but couldn’t remember her name.

Soon after, the entire barbershop joined the effort to remember her name. Walker says it took nearly 12 minutes of concentrated group-think for the adult men present at the barbershop to reach a consensus.

“I felt like a real dickhead. He was really making some decent points too,” Walker says. “I knew right away that he was talking about Condoleezza Rice. But, those guys were stumped. The barbers even turned off their clippers to stop and think about it for a minute.”

Finally — with a sense of relief — one customer threw out the name “Collida.” He was confident that he had nailed it. Apparently the rest of the shop was as well.

“That’s it, Collida. Damn, yeah, Collida,” said one man while nodding his head up and down, according to Walker. “Yep, Collida. I don’t know why I couldn’t remember that. She was in office with that ol’ devil Bush.”

Jones allowed an otherwise thoughtful conversation to sound really stupid. The most remarkable part of it all is that no one thought to double-check her name. They were that confident that “Collida” was correct.

“I feel a sense of shame,” Walker says. “But, is it bad that I’m kind of glad that I didn’t say anything — just because it was the funniest shit ever?”

Miami Heat Threatened to Amnesty Mario Chalmers’ Facial Hair Last Off-Season

mario_finals_two — Heat Point Guard Mario Chalmers addressing beard amnesty rumors following Game 2 victory in San Antonio. *Photo By D.M. Notsquiat*

The Miami Heat nearly used its one-time amnesty clause in the off-season on the facial hair of veteran point guard Mario Chalmers, sources say.

The team wanted to part ways with the guard’s facial hair after nearly six years of disappointment and frustration. But, Heat brass ultimately decided to use the provision on oft-injured forward Mike Miller.

Sources say that Chalmers’ beard would’ve gotten the axe if he and his agent hadn’t struck a last-minute deal to shave his dis-connects before the start of the season.

The alleged agreement gives Chalmers the right to try and grow his facial hair out again. But, the team reserves the right to cut his facial hair without penalty if the beard fails to show signs of “significant” improvement after 4-weeks of undisturbed growing.

“Mario’s awful connects have been a distraction within the organization for years,” a source close to the team tells The Bluffington Roach. “And, with teams throughout the league upgrading their rosters in hopes of dethroning us, we felt that removing Mario’s beard from the roster would give us the best chance of repeating.”

Fortunately, the Heat are now back in the NBA Finals and have a legitimate shot at securing a third consecutive championship. Thus, the team apparently made a wise choice when it decided against using the clause on the facial hair of Chalmers.

The amnesty provision included in the latest collective bargaining agreement afforded teams with a one-time opportunity to waive a player without his contract counting towards the salary cap. Miller would’ve been owed $12.8 million over the course of two seasons.

The team was willing to take on the $17 million luxury tax bill that Miller’s contract would’ve demanded — just so members of the organization wouldn’t have to see that terrible facial hair on a day-to-day basis.

Apparently, there were red flags about Chalmers’ beard coming out of Kansas, but Heat executives were willing to take on the project. Even after early signs of struggle, the team committed to providing his facial hair with an opportunity to develop.

But, after five years of underachievement, the team’s patience had run out. With the prospect of the “Big Three” breaking up after this season, the team wanted to ensure that it would be at full strength to make a run at a three-peat.

The team has watched younger beards throughout the league surpass Chalmers’ growth. Beards on the faces of guys such as James Harden, and even Stephen Curry, are on a whole nother level. And, many scouts questioned whether Curry’s beard would ever develop coming out of Davidson.

“After the fiasco with Paul Pierce’s facial hair in Boston for all those seasons, teams are frightened of committing long-term to a questionable beard,” the Heat source says.

The Heat organization was reluctant to add yet another hair issue to the locker-room — considering the well-documented struggles that LeBron has had with his troubled hair-line.

“The team didn’t want to see Mario walk into training camp with another terrible beard. Everyone wanted a fresh start,” the source says. “The shittiness of it had become a major distraction in the locker-room.”

Chalmers and his facial hair declined to comment on the report. In the past, he’s compared his struggles with facial hair to the relatively long road that Chris Paul’s beard took to grow — coming out of Wake Forest.

“[Chalmers] is delusional if he thinks the Heat would’ve waited around for him — for as long as the Hornets waited around for [Paul’s] beard ,” a Western Conference GM tells BluffRo. “They’re in two different classes, and [Paul’s] beard is just now rounding into shape after nine years in the league.”

Heat President Pat Riley is known as man who isn’t afraid to take on projects. But, this is undoubtedly the team’s most ambitious project yet.

“He’s 27 for god-sakes,” one rival executive tells BluffRo. “It’s time for that franchise to move on.”

Luckily for the Heat, Chalmers seems to have acknowledged that his terrible facial hair had become an enormous distraction within Miami’s locker-room. And, for most, if not all of this season, Chalmers has avoided the urge to try and grow a connected beard.

“I’m proud of Rio. He really matured this season. He recognized that his dis-connects were destroying team chemistry,” the Heat source says. “We can live with the rough start he’s had to this year’s Finals, but his facial hair would’ve really broken us.”

Chalmers and the Heat look to even up their Finals series against the Spurs in Miami Thursday in a pivotal Game 4 match-up.

New Book Looks at the High-Stakes Drama of Office Politics in the Fast Food Industry

doubledramawithcheesescan3 — Cover of Dominique Frazier’s new book “Double-Drama Wit Cheese: I’ll Take Lies Wit Dat.”

An Onx woman is set to release a new tell-all book Thursday that explores the office politics played behind the cash registers of some of America’s favorite fast food joints.

Double-Drama Wit Cheese: I’ll take Lies Wit Dat chronicles the career of Dominique Frazier and her struggle to overcome office politics while working behind the counter of some of the highest-profile fast food establishments in the country — Burger Fling, Grease Castle, Mammy’s Fried Chicken Shack and the list goes on.

The book doesn’t contain the type of content that some might expect. It doesn’t discuss issues such as unfair wages, poor working conditions, erratic hours, or mistreatment by management. Nor does it call-out these mega corporations for selling low quality food to millions of people every day.

Fortunately however, it is heavy on the drama.

Frazier, 31, said she was inspired to write the book after reading Confessions of a Video Vixen by Karrine “Superhead” Steffans — a book which chronicles the rigors of being an entertainment industry cum-bucket.

“OMG! She is so brave. She ain’t afraid to be her own woman and chase that paper no matter what the haters say,” Frazier tells The Bluffington Roach. “She gave me the courage to tell my story.”

Here’s an excerpt from the book where Frazier recalls a conversation she had with a manager at Burger Fling about being late:

I told dude straight up. I’m not one of these little ditzy bitches running around here that don’t know what she’s doing. I know what I’m doing. When I get on, I move like clockwork. There’s nobody on the drive-through shift that can match my productivity level. So, I’m like, ‘why you beefin about me being 20-30 minutes late a few times a week?’ I’m about my paper regardless.

In another excerpt, Frazier talks about being betrayed by one of her home-girls on the job. The woman slept with a fellow male coworker, whom Frazier had already been dating for three weeks.

I had met this girl named Brenda on the job back when I worked at Mammy’s Fried Chicken Shack. She was supposed to be my bitch. We hit it off right away. We went to clubs, got our hair and nails done together, watched Hoes and Hip-Hop: Macrapolis, and all that. We was ride or die for like four months.

Then this dude named Elijah started working there. He used to work biscuits and drumsticks. I can’t front he was fine as shit — mad swag, tatted , dope shoes, always wit a fresh cut , popped bottles in the club and all that. She knew I was feelin’ him. I mean, I had been flirting with him for like a week-and-a-half. We started dating after that for like three weeks – Facebook-official and all that. I was really in love with the dude.

He took me out to eat one night – at the job, after our shift. While we was waiting for the food, he went to the bathroom. Nigga slipped up and left his phone. Why I see a text from Brenda talking about ‘I can’t wait for the D tonight?’

I was beyond hurt. I wasn’t even mad at Elijah ‘cause a nigga gonna do what a nigga gonna do. I’m a ride-or-die chick, so it’s whatever. But her? I’m like this nigga just started working here and she giving it up. No, boo! I’m classy! All that nigga was getting was hand-jobs and blowjobs ‘till I knew it was real.

From that point on, I knew I couldn’t trust anyone in the game anymore.

The novel will be out Thursday. It will be available in limited supply exclusively at Aunt Berta’s Chicken and Soul Food in Warningsign Heights for $9.99. Frazier said she’s currently working on a sequel to Double Drama Wit Cheese: I’ll Take Lies Wit Dat tentatively titled Ass or Credit: Charge that to the Game.

Clarkelyn Man Fighting Uphill Battle to Make Jorts Relevant Again

strong_nigga_jean_shorts — An irrationally strong nigga wears jean-shorts and a wife beater while selling cold waters on Goodship Ave. in Clarkelyn. *Photo by Notsquiat.*

Friends and family think he’s insane. But, one Clarkelyn man is on a mission to accomplish the impossible. He wants to make jorts popular during the summertime again.

George James — a 26-year-old native of East Macrapolis, Clarkelyn — is determined to bring the look back. He believes that jorts, also known as jean-shorts, could be the last best weapon against the mass infiltration of feminine clothing into the wardrobes of men throughout the world.

“We’re living in grave times,” James tells The Bluffington Roach. “This clothing item could very well decide, once and for all, whether men are going to dress like actual men during the summertime or whether they’re going to dress like promiscuous teenage girls.”

James wasn’t initially alarmed by the fall of jorts. In fact, he was quite comfortable with the rise of cargo shorts in their place. He felt that cargo shorts worked well with tighter fitting tees and button-ups. But, he’s seen how rapidly that style has devolved into deep V-necks, testes-cutter cargos, and nut-hugger ca-pants.

“When I saw Dwyane Wade show up to that playoff game last season dressed like Tamar Braxton and Russell Westbrook dressed like a trendy sperm cell, I was compelled to act,” James says. “I can’t cure the entire epidemic alone, but I believe that the return of regular-sized jean-shorts could be monumental.”

James is steadfast in his quest to propel the antiquated wardrobe item back into popularity. But, he knows that jorts have fallen far from grace over the last decade.

Jorts reached their pinnacle of popularity during the early 2000s. Although the style was quite popular long before that time period, the early 2000s were something of a golden era for jorts. Clothing stores were stocked to the brim with numerous different styles of jean-shorts — from sandblasted jorts to NBA-patched ones.

Many anthropologists cite rapper 50 Cent as the last real star to make jorts a serious part of his summer wardrobe. The return and rise of tight-ass clothing, which began during the latter part of the last decade, has rendered jorts nearly obsolete.

There are still isolated pockets of men around the city who have remained loyal to the jort. Pretty much any man between 31-44-years-old isn’t afraid to dust off an old pair of jorts and rock them with a pair of Air Force 1s with yellowing soles.

Men over 47-years-old are the only guys who still go out and actually purchase new pairs of jean-shorts. They iron them extremely well and rock them with a pair of clean white socks and a pair of lily-white, off-brand sneakers.

It’s a guarantee during the summertime to see at least one unnecessarily strong nigga wearing a pair of jorts, some Timberland boots, and a wife-beater — or no shirt at all. But, even he only wears that outfit when he’s at the playground doing bar-workouts or selling cold water to oncoming traffic.

James is happy that there are still portions of the population who rock jorts in the summer. But, he understands that if he really wants to bring the look back he’ll have to target 13-26-year-olds. It’s this demographic that truly moves the needle on what’s hot.

In order to reach fellow members of his generation, James has come up with ways to help modernize jorts. First and foremost, he realizes that, on average, t-shirts were five-to-six times larger back when jorts were last popular.

Thus, he proposes that clothing manufactures redesign jorts to fit more like regular-sized cargo shorts do today. This way, they can fit neatly with tighter fitting V-Necks and collared shirts.

James is cautiously optimistic that this strategy can work, but he knows that better fitting jean-shorts could quickly morph into mid-thigh pum-pum jorts. Or, into something even worse: jean-skirts.

The second phase of his strategy is to reach out to young entertainers and athletes and convince them to bring the trend back to its former glory. James is challenging his generation to stand up and take action now — before things get too out of hand.

“God is calling us to take a stand, So future generations of grown men don’t have to dress like pre-pubescent girls headed to a Lil-Twist concert,” James says. “If we don’t fight for jorts and manhood today, all could be lost tomorrow.”

Rapper has Heated Confrontation with Third Graders Because He Sucks at Reading

rapper_reads_bad — Rapper Young SuckSexFull struggles to decode the complex prose of Dr. Seuss while reading aloud to a group of third graders. *Photo by D.M. Notsquiat*

A verbal sparring match broke out at Dwayne Graham Elementary School in the Onx Thursday between popular rapper Lenard “Young SuckSexFull” Jackson and a group of third graders.

The mayhem erupted after the third graders began booing SuckSexFull while he read to them at story time. Apparently, they were unimpressed with his reading skills.

“I ain’t have to do shit for these little niggas brah,” SuckSexFull told The Bluffington Roach following the incident. “Niggas gon’ hate though brah. That’s just motivation for a young, getting-money-nigga like me. The grind don’t stop.”

The intensity of the situation began to build once SuckSexFull got to page four of Dr. Seuss’s “Oh the Places You’ll Go!” By that point, the rap superstar had already struggled over like four or five basic sight-words. And, that’s when the third graders let him have it.

“You read bad!” shouted one.

“Yeah, you stink!” shouted another, as the whole class broke out into giggles.

“I’m gonna let you finish…but…Mrs. Barkley has had some of the best read alouds of all-time,” yelled another.

A grimace came over SuckSexfull’s face. He readjusted his black and gold snapback to the front, and lowered the book below his camouflaged tank-top.

“Be nice, and be respectful!” demanded Lisa Barkley, their 26-year-old teacher, who wears fedoras on weekends and attends spin classes on Tuesday nights. “Mr. SuckSexFull took time out of his busy schedule to come talk to you guys.”

Despite the stern warnings, the third graders refused to relent. After a non-stop seven minute barrage of insults, SuckSexFull broke down.

“Ya’ll niggas hating cause ya’ll not getting no money. I ain’t need school. I ain’t need books, and my money stupid long — longer than all the paper niggas got in this bitch subtracted together,” SuckSexFull shouted at the kids. “I’m out this bitch.”

SuckSexFull proceeded to toss the book to the ground, swag his snapback to the side and leave the classroom. The students cheered, laughed, and picked their noses.

Barkley attempted to keep a stern face in front of the students but admits that she was quite tickled by the incident.

“I wanted to be really mad at the kids, but I couldn’t,” Barkley tells BluffRo. “He was truly a horrible reader. Besides, you heard them. I had one of the best story times of the year.”

Study Explains Connection between Adult Males and Delusional Hoop Dreams

chasing_pro_hoop_dreams — Two straight victories during pickup basketball at the YMCA somehow gives a fully grown adult man the confidence that he will one day become a professional athlete. *Photo by D.M. Notsquiat

A basketball advocacy group released a report earlier today examining why so many adult males with limited basketball skills are pursuing professional hoop careers.

Players Against Rec-League Nonsense, a nonprofit organization dedicated to cleaning up the world of low-stakes basketball, commissioned the study in order to come up with solutions to help address the growing epidemic.

It should be noted that the report doesn’t condemn all adult males who pursue professional basketball careers. Guys who played Division I basketball or had standout college careers at lower levels have reserved the right to pursue professional basketball careers.

That privilege even extends to guys who had great high school careers or have a big-time street-ball reputation.

“We’re targeting men who, for lack of better wording, have no fucking business trying to be serious about basketball,” Eric Welsing, executive director of PARLN, tells The Bluffington Roach.

PARLN’s report indicates that these men suffer from a condition known as basketphrenia. The symptoms of basketphrenia are very similar to the symptoms found in men suffering from Bums Disguised as Good Players Syndrome.

Both conditions cause individuals to develop an inflated sense of their skills and abilities on the basketball court. This leads to the development of two personas — one of the individual’s imagined self, and one of his actual self.

The primary difference between BDGPS and basketphrenia is that individuals with basketphrenia are actually relatively decent at the sport — meaning they’re usually average to above-average players during run-of-the-mill pick-up games.

Thus, the over-inflation of their imagined selves is slightly less severe than those suffering from BDGPS. None-the-less, they have no business pursuing a career in professional basketball either.

The report advises those looking for signs of basketphrenia in adult males to observe whether suspected individuals “work out” more frequently now than they did when they actually had a chance to make it somewhere.

PARLN also warns to be on the lookout for guys who have never really accomplished anything of note at any point in their careers. According to the report, victims of basketphrenia were often bench or role-players in youth leagues and high school.

Also be leery of guys who have been “on their way” to more than three junior colleges in obscure locations and guys who are always on the cusp of going to play overseas but are somehow always in the hood, the report warns.

“Niggas must be late bloomers — because every day I run into dudes who I’ve always been way better at basketball than. Yet, they always claim that they’re either heading overseas or preparing to work out for an overseas team,” Amos Turner, a former four-year starting point guard at a mid-major Division I school, tells BluffRo. “Maybe I’ve got it fucked up because even with my resume, and all the hard work I put in for years, I couldn’t catch on long-term in a good league.”

The report warns that individuals suffering from basketphrenia are subject to tell people anything when they’re updating them on the status of their career. PARLN says that it’s best not to press individuals while they’re in the midst of telling a blatant lie. Pressing them on their obvious bull-shit will only fuel them to tell even taller tales, according to the report.

“When one of these guys tells you that he’s heading overseas to play in a league in the Congo, do NOT question him by asking ‘isn’t there a deadly Western/corporate-backed proxy war raging over there?’” Welsing says. “Just let it go. Who knows what lies he’ll concoct to explain that away.”

The epidemic of terrible adult male basketball players pursuing professional hoop dreams is particularly widespread within the black community. Ultimately, Welsing hopes that the PARLN report will spark a movement to get these delusional adult black men the help they need.

He believes that the energy these men put into chasing an unobtainable goal could actually be used to build a business, learn a trade, further their education and/or uplift their community.

“We’re trapped in a system that works to derail the growth of black men,” Welsing says. “God knows we could use all the able men we’ve got to anchor stronger families and properly nurture future generations.”

Rapper Stirs Up Controversy With New Song Ranting About Treating Women Respectfully

afternun_story — Rapper After-NUN discusses controversial new single, “No Disrespect,” with Rhyme City: The Attic host OG Gebs.

Outspoken lyricist, After-NUN (af-ter-noon), sparked controversy and outrage yesterday with the release of his latest single “No Disrespect.”

The controversial track is the lead single off of NUN’s controversial new album, Better World . In the song, NUN rants about the need for rappers, and men in general, to consider treating women more respectfully.

And now critics of the controversial track are calling for radio stations and hip-hop fans across the country to boycott the single because of its “preachy” and “misogynistic” content.

Here are a few lines from the song that landed NUN in hot water:

“Never realized that bar you boosted could set a dame aflame/
Made the next Super Queen Sousa pull up hard and switch lanes/
Got her putting more lift into bras never brain/
Fast running out of gas, knees scarred and insane/
Recklessly pouring out lyrics to hit star and run game/
Thought you was breathing fire, but was really aborting planes/
Two flops, no hops, grounded by fame/
Whole tavern in tatters so rapper could run train/
All along quotin a broken-winged boein/
Un-identified victims never realized the boy was impotent

“We appreciate NUN’s consistent efforts to offer thoughtful social commentary in his music. Unfortunately, this song contributes far more harm than good to the women’s rights struggle,” Gloria Wallace, executive director of women’s rights group, Breaking Black Men’s Chains, tells The Bluffington Roach.

Wallace, a Caucasian women’s rights activist, contends that NUN is treating women as objects in the song. She’s disturbed by the rapper’s apparent suggestion that a man’s words and actions have the power to dictate the direction of a woman’s life.

“If I were black, I’d be outraged. This is really just another example of the black man putting himself in front of the black woman,” Wallace says. “Women in this song are depicted as dependent objects. As if a woman’s fate and well-being is contingent upon whatever direction a man decides to lead her in. Black women cannot afford to condone this thinly veiled rallying cry for male supremacy.”

The passionate activist says that it’s arrogant of NUN to assume that it’s appropriate for him to voice the grievances of a woman. She also accuses NUN of trying to control the black woman’s sexuality.

“It’s not his place to speak for black women. And, it’s not for him to dictate what the black woman does with her body,” Wallace says. “It’s offensive for him to suggest that women somehow ruin themselves if they openly and freely share their sexuality. These are our vaginas, not yours!”

Twitter also chimed in on the controversial single:

SMH…This nigga always bringing some negativity to game. EVERYTHING od wack since The Dope album #sorrynotsorry – @MyndBigga

WTF happened to this guy. Weak content, lyrics, and everything. Attention-whore-ass-nigga #OldNuBack- @trillskripts47

His arrogance is getting old quick. I don’t need a rapper tellin me who I can fuk. #MyBody #MyVagina – @gotmyownz69

Lolz dis nigga gay? Nigga do a song tellin niggaz not to fuk bitches. LMFAO. #FaggusAssNegus #MyBody

Pleeeassseee can we get the old NUN back. Less preachy more rappy my nigga. #OldNuBack – @CommonCureAtor

Great piece on how After-NUN actually disrespected women with misogynistic song calling for men to respect women. #MyBody #MyVagina bit.ly/ghxy – @warriorsteinem

NUN is no stranger to controversy. He sparked controversy back in 2010 when he suggested that the Trans-Atlantic slave trade and the European slaughter of Native Americans was more horrific than the scene in Titanic where Jack sacrifices his life to save Rose on that raft.

“No Disrespect” caused such a stir yesterday that Black Face Television decided to host an emergency summit on its afternoon hip-hop countdown show “Rhyme City: The Attic Live.” Tuesday’s episode was originally supposed to feature rap superstar Young SuckSexFull, who was slated to drop off the video for his new smash single, “Super-Soakin Hoes Wit My Dick Milk.”

But, the network postponed the appearance in order to address the fall-out surrounding “No Disrespect.” NUN stopped by the show to discuss the controversial track. He attempted to explain himself to fans and critics who were desperate for answers.

“I was just trying to offer my small take on the issue. I never imagined, in a trillion eons, that it’d be thought of as something negative,” NUN said. “These rap songs are in the ears of little boys and girls all day, every day. This was meant as a challenge to my colleagues to accept responsibility for the role this music plays in shaping young minds. Now I honestly wish that I would’ve never even made the song.”

Gangbangers Sad After Leader Killed, Happy About End of Suspect Holiday Text-Messages

gangsters_mourn_death — Picture of the suspect selfie that Leroy “Go-Real-La” Washington sent out to his homies on Christmas.

A group of Clarkelyn gang members were relieved Thursday when their set-leader was killed — not because they’re disloyal, but because his death meant the end of really suspect group text-messages on holidays.

Leroy “Go-Real-la” Washington, 42, was fatally shot last week in an apparent assassination plot carried out by a rival gang. Washington was the leader and founder of the notorious East Macrapolis gang, the Murder Over Bitches Boyz.

Members of the MOBB expressed mixed emotions about the murder of their leader, whom they often called “Go” for short.

“That nigga held shit down for real. Some of these niggas out here talk that shit. ’Go’ really lived it,” one MOBB member, who identified himself as “Trigga,” tells The Bluffington Roach. “It’s just that my nigga used to send out the gayest texts.”

Trigga and other MOBB members say that Washington routinely sent out mass text-messages to his soldiers on holidays.

They say the texts made them feel very uncomfortable. But, they didn’t dare say anything to Washington because of his reputation as a recklessly violent individual.

“I once seen ‘Go’ cut a dude’s middle finger off, stick it up the dude’s ass, make him sniff it, and then sew the shit back on to the nigga’s good hand,” one MOBB member, who asked us to keep his identity concealed, tells BluffRo.

The anonymous gang-banger described Washington as a 6-foot-4, 250-pound man with a menacing demeanor and arms the size of black market butt implants.

“I couldn’t get with the nigga’s holiday texts though,” the gang-member says. “That shit was mad gay, but niggas couldn’t really say shit because they might’ve gotten killed.”

He described a text-message that Washington sent to his gang affiliates on Christmas. In the text, Washington apparently took a picture in front of his bathroom mirror dressed in a wife-beater, green basketball shorts and a Santa hat — while holding a bottle of Hennessy Black.

In the text’s caption he wrote: “The Henny got a nigga right. Might stumble down one of ya’ll chimneys tonight…ha ha. Merry X-Mas my niggas!”

“I think it’s because ‘Go’ was an old-head, and old-heads don’t really know how to use technology and all that,” Trigga says. “I gave him the old-head pass, but then again, he also sent some wild shit on Valentine’s Day too. First of all, you not supposed to get a text from another nigga on Valentine’s Day unless a life-threatening emergency arises.”

Trigga said Washington sent the gang a photograph of a candlelit dinner with rose-pedals sprinkled around the table. In the message’s caption he wrote:

“Ya’ll ain’t know a nigga had it in him huh? Rather be cheffin’ it up for the homies for real — gotta do the wifey thing tonight though. My niggas over everything tho… ha ha. #MOBB.”

Despite the suspect nature of their leader’s holiday text messages, MOBB members maintain respect for their late comrade.

“RIP to the boss — one of the realest niggas to do it.” Trigga said. “He just had a few gay-ass text messages.”

Number of Macrappers Dressed Like They Work At Cool Jobs Drastically Outpacing Number of Cool Jobs Available

new_cool_guy_dressed_photo — Impeccably dressed man maintains a perfect wide-stance balance without actually touching the subway doors. It’s unclear what job he’s heading to though. *Photo By D.M. Notsquiat.*

The number of Macrappers who dress like they have really cool jobs will outpace the number of actual cool jobs available by a ratio of 71, 482-to-1 by 2016, according to a study released today by The Institute for Dope Jobs.

The IDJ study helps solve a question that has racked the minds of Macrappers for nearly a decade — ‘how many cool jobs can there possibly be in this city?’ Macrappers working run-of-the-mill jobs view the recent findings as welcome news.

“It was really demoralizing to see guys dressed in casual Friday attire on Tuesday mornings,” Amos Jackson, a 34-year-old bank-teller at Monetary Capital Trust Money Bank, tells The Bluffington Roach. “How goddamn awesome is your job that you get to wear a casual button-down shirt tucked into slim-fit jeans with an off-colored blazer, a subtly decorative handkerchief, cosmetic glasses, and a hint of dick-print EVERY day?”

“I want to show a little dick-print on Tuesday mornings once and a while too.” Jackson says.

Straphangers are tormented day-in and day-out by the sight of impeccably dressed men in casual clothing who refuse to sit down for fear of wrinkling their blazers. Instead these men maintain a perfect wide-stance balance just inches away from the closing doors without ever leaning directly against them.

IDJ’s list of “cool” jobs includes graphic-designers, advertising executives and assistants, any employee at any type of internet start-up, restaurateurs, music industry movers and takers, and bloggers who are so in-tune with the pulse of urban culture that their content is capable of causing mild fungal breakouts around the edges of a reader’s taint.

The actual number of people employed within these highly competitive industries doesn’t begin to account for the number of people dressed like they’re headed to work at such jobs. In fact, only 5 percent of those who regularly dress in “cool” job clothing actually work at “cool” jobs.

The IDJ study helps makes sense of the troubling discrepancy:

A whopping 38 percent of those dressed in casual Friday attire on regular weekday mornings are actually substitute English Language Arts teachers at recently opened charter schools. It turns out that substitute teachers are in a prime position to pull off the classy-casual look.

By nature of their position, they usually only work a few days out of the week. So they get to concentrate a lot of planning and laundry budgeting into select outfits. They’re also happy to just be out of the house. And, they want to let their outfits express to the world that ‘hey, I’m productive, yet trendy, yet sophisticated, yet professional.’

What they lose in the instability and tragedy of their work, they gain in the confidence of their wardrobes. Interestingly, IDJ found that many of the people dressed like they work at “cool” jobs don’t actually have a job at all. They just hold fast to the maxim: “always dress for the next job.”

The study also concluded that 65 percent of the people we see dressed like graphic designers don’t actually design graphics.

“This study is a ray of hope for the everyday Macrapper,” Jackson says. “It reminds us that we aren’t failures. A dick-print job is always in arms reach.”

IDJ says that its next study will focus on the fate of low-wage workers who are being priced out of the city but are still an essential part of keeping the city operational.