Man Amnestied from Rec-League Basketball Team

man_amnestied(color) — Henry Hill, 29, distraught after rec-league coach, Fat Riley, informs him that he’s been amnestied. Photo By D.M. Notsquiat

A men’s league basketball team shattered a Clarkelyn man’s ego yesterday when it decided to amnesty him from its roster in an adult rec-league.

The After-Work All-Stars exercised its 2013-2014 amnesty provision on 29-year-old Alonzo Musgrove. The move marks the first time that anyone has ever been amnestied from any kind of recreational sports team.

The team released the following statement on the league’s Facebook fan page yesterday:

“On the Behalf of the After-Work All-Stars, I want to thank Alonzo for his contributions to the team,” AWA Coach Fat Riley wrote. “We did not come to this decision lightly, but the organization ultimately concluded that this move would be in the best interest of the team as well as Alonzo moving forward. We wish him nothing but the best.”

The move left many puzzled. Primarily because it was completely unnecessary.

The amnesty clause included in the NBA’s latest collective bargaining agreement affords teams with a one-time opportunity to waive a player without his contract counting towards the salary cap.

It’s kind of difficult to apply a similar provision to a men’s league because there are no salaries to cap.

Sources close to the AWA tell The Bluffington Roach that Riley went to league officials from the No Hope Left, Annual Memorial Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall Classic and petitioned them for a one-time amnesty provision.

It turns out that Riley and other players on the team found Musgrove to be an utterly despicable individual on the basketball court. So much so that Riley allegedly paid the league’s commissioner an undisclosed amount of money to authorize the absolutely unnecessary clause, sources say.

While some would characterize Riley’s alleged dealings as under-handed, players from the AWA insist that he acted appropriately.

Apparently Musgrove sucked that much.

“We wanted to find a way to make him feel like shit. He’s a 5-foot-10 point-forward hybrid with no athleticism, zero foot-speed, mediocre handle, an erratic jump-shot, and a shitty physique,” a former AWA teammate of Musgrove, who asked to remain anonymous, tells BluffRo. “Two lay-ups, a mid-range jumper, and two rebounds are the max level of production that a team is going to get from him.”

Musgrove’s teammates insist that they don’t despise him because of his questionable skills and shitty fitness level. They truly hate him for being cocky about it. His unwarranted arrogance drove him to constantly complain about playing time. Several teammates recalled instances when Musgrove actually subbed himself into games.

“He was always threatening to quit the team and go play for another squad,” one former teammate says. “So, we finally found a way to call his bluff.”

Surprisingly, all of Musgrove’s former AWA teammates agree that’s he’s actually a cool guy off of the court. Every teammate we spoke to described him as a funny and chill dude outside of basketball.

Coach Riley believes that Musgrove may suffer from the very disorder that we recently reported on — Bums Disguised as Good Players Syndrome. It’s been rumored that his BDGPS may be causing him to think he can actually play professional basketball overseas, despite questionable skills and recently being waived by a rec-league basketball team.

“I hope the nigga quits the sport after this,” another former teammate says. “He needs to stop it.”

Musgrove could not be reached for comment. We’ll provide updates on any new developments in the story.

Serial Club Baller in Serious Debt

The debt crisis in America is dire. Millions of homeowners and college graduates are experiencing the venomous downside of borrowed money.

One dummy from Historia, Kings is feeling the sting of burrowed money after investing for years in the most ignorant of American dreams — clubbing. Ron Thomas, 25, is in a $26,000 hole after spending countless nights in the club popping bottles like a rapper in a music video.

Thomas didn’t understand that you cannot live life like a rich rapper on a referee’s salary at FootFlavor.

“Real talk though, I got it in. Bitches, bottle service, sparkly candles and all that. The hoes was on it,” Thomas tells The Bluffington Roach. “Like three years back I got my first credit card, and I thought it was like free money. But then, not too long ago, niggas from the bank started hitting me up like ‘yo, you [have to] pay this back.’ So, I’m like, O-deeeeee!”

Thomas is slowly coming to understand a concept that many Americans inexplicably fail to realize. When people borrow money from a lender, they have to eventually pay that lender back more money than they originally received. This foreign concept is known as a loan.

After defaulting on payment after payment, Thomas and his family are struggling to stay afloat. He’s fathered two children by two different women. Fittingly, Thomas reeled both of them in at the club with watery orange juice and overpriced Grey Goose, which was actually house vodka in a Grey Goose bottle.

Buying clothing and food for his young children has become increasingly more difficult for Thomas. His job just doesn’t cover the cost of care for a grown man, two children, and considerable debt.

He will likely have to get another job working night shifts somewhere else. Thomas fears that this will hinder his ability to ball-out at nightclubs.

Yes, he is still attempting to ball-out at nightclubs.

He hopes to successfully juggle the two jobs and bottle service.

“Times are pretty rough honestly. But, I’m going to do whatever makes me happy. Broke dudes worry about spending bread. Getting money niggas don’t,” Thomas says. “Besides, you only live once; that’s the muthafickin’ motto.”

Ex-Con Turned Cake-maker Sued for Strong-Arming Rival Bakeries

threatening_cake-1 — Photograph of cake Al Lemon allegedly sent to rival bakery owner, Gloria Hawkins, in order to scare her out of business.

An ex-con turned pastry chef was hit with a class action lawsuit yesterday, which accuses him of using force and intimidation to drive competing bakeries out of business.

The plaintiffs accuse Al Lemon — owner of Cake-Boy Fresh in East Macrapolis, Clarkelyn — of using strong-arm tactics to scare them from doing business in the area.

“Clearly, Mr. Lemon still plays by the rules that governed his former life as a drug-pusher. Not those which govern the world of legitimate business,” the suit says.

Harriet Brooks, a 37-year-old pastry chef, had to relocate her shop, She Got the Cakes, to East Herulum. Emmet Barry, a 32-year-old pie enthusiast, continues to run his shop, Barry Pie, in East Macrapolis. But he lives in constant fear of Lemon’s erratic behavior, according to the lawsuit.

The third plaintiff, Gloria Hawkins, a 76-year-old retired school teacher, used her life-savings to turn her childhood dream of owning a bakery into a reality three years ago. That dream became a nightmare last year. That’s when Lemon allegedly forced her out of business.

According to the lawsuit:

A short time after Hawkins opened the bakery — Lemon came over to the store and informed her that she was cutting into his business. He offered to buy her out if she would close her shop.

Hawkins rejected the offer — refusing to let go of her dream. That’s when Lemon began threatening to send his “little niggas to go see” her 14-year-old grandson.

Lemon continued to make overtures to Hawkins. Hawkins continued to decline them.

But, the intensity of his threats only escalated. And, two months later, her grandson came home from the park with a bloody nose, a black eye, and bruised ribs.

The next morning she received a red-velvet cake with vanilla frosting — topped with red lettering. It read “Consider this a warning.” The cake tasted really good, but Hawkins was shaken to her core.

Worried about the well-being of her grandchildren, Hawkins ultimately shut down her shop. But, she rejected his buyout offer.

She declined to go to the police because of Lemon’s ties to local thugs and drug-dealers in the neighborhood. And, it’s common knowledge in East Macrapolis that Lemon routinely greases the mouths of local law enforcement with complimentary pastries to keep them quiet.

Drained and demoralized, Hawkins came across a news profile that reinvigorated her spirits. The profile was about She Got the Cakes. In the story, Brooks said the “unfriendly” atmosphere surrounding her previous location sparked her move from Clarkelyn to Herulum.

Wondering whether Brooks was also bullied away, Hawkins reached out.

She soon discovered that Lemon had been sabotaging Brooks’ distribution channels. He paid off and/or threatened her wholesale sugar, butter, flour, and yeast connects to get them to stop doing business with her.

Excessive Basketball Gear Linked to Devastating Disorder

bad_rec_baller — Henry Hill, 26, eagerly awaits the opportunity to do absolutely nothing during the next game.

Henry Hill, 26, enters the gym wearing a long black sleeve on each elbow, a double wristband over his right forearm, a manually-cut sleeveless shirt, a calf-sleeve on each leg and two rubber awareness bracelets around each wrist.

Some observers would say Hill looks like a true baller. Others would say he looks like a real dick-head.

Players Against Rec-League Non-Sense, a non-profit organization dedicated to cleaning up the world of low-stakes basketball, says that such attire is symptomatic of a larger epidemic plaguing rec-centers across the country.

“Henry? He’s been playing with Stage IV basketball cancer for years. It has severely impaired his skills and his ability to be a likable human-being,” Drew Chandler, a 28-year-old former NCAA Division II point guard, jokingly told The Bluffington Roach. “Nah, but for real, he’s horrible in every way.”

Basketball cancer isn’t a classified medical disorder, but many horrible-to-mediocre adult males are suffering from a chronic condition known as Bums Disguised as Good Players Syndrome.

Symptoms of BDGPS often include severe delusion, limited athleticism, limited talent, limited-to-no skills, absurd arrogance, and a pathological obsession with extremely tacky basketball gear. The disorder often causes victims to pursue a career in professional basketball, despite failing to achieve any success in the sport, at any level, anywhere, at any time in their lives.

PARLN projects that by 2020 nearly 85% of all pick-up basketball players will suffer from the condition. Guys who can actually ball say they’ve noticed a steady decline in the quality of recreational basketball in recent years.

“I’m out here trying to get a decent run in man. These guys are so extra though,” Chandler said. “I’m not trying to deal with clowns who want to wait until they’re grown-ass men to chase their hoop dreams.”

Despite receiving frequent reality checks and votes of non-confidence from guys who once enjoyed some semblance of success in the sport, BDGPS victims remain remarkably undeterred.

“I’m trying to go overseas,” Hill told BluffRo. “I was about to sign a deal to go play for a team out in Somalia, but like, the famine over there — it kind of complicated that situation or whatever. But, my agent opened talks with a team out in Syria. We just have to see what happens with the violent warfare going on over there — fingers crossed [sic].”

Minutes later, with a steady flow of sweat running from his headband down to his temple, Hill hoisted up a game-deciding three-pointer. It was a two-handed, fade-away rocket. His tongue stuck far out of his mouth invoking images of Michael Jordan. He held his two-handed follow-through with unshakeable confidence.

The shot clanked hard off the back-board — without grazing even a fraction of the hoop.

At that moment, the devastating effects of BDGPS became all too real to those in attendance.

Macrapolis Man Realizes Culture of Sunday Football is Not Actually Manly at All

A Kings man has come to the sad realization that the entire culture of Sunday football is not really all that “manly.”

Eric Little, a 34-year-old Wrong Island City resident, had this revelation on Monday morning when one of his female co-workers at the Macrapolis Department of Education asked him what he did over the weekend.

A sense of emptiness and profound sadness suddenly overwhelmed Little. Nearly two months have passed since the end of football season, and its conclusion left a huge void in Little’s life.

But, that sadness quickly turned into confusion as Little began to reminisce on the season. He flashed-back to memories of sitting on the couch watching football in his boxers, eating nachos and cheese, and drinking beers. The image of his balls hanging half-way out of his boxers and his small man-boobs poking out of his wife-beater began to terrify him.

“It’s like it all came together at once — as if by some sort of divine intervention,” Little tells The Bluffington Roach. “I saw myself sitting there with my balls out watching a bunch of large men in tights colliding at extraordinary speeds. Then I thought to myself ‘wow, ten-player pile-ups aren’t very manly.”

At that moment, Little realized that everything he grew up believing about Sunday football was a lie. From an early age he was raised to view Sunday football as one of the few opportunities for hardworking men to let go of life’s worries and just be men for a few hours.

The sacred laws of Sunday football were ingrained in him from a young age:

Thou shalt drinketh and be merry.
Thou shalt purchaseth snacks to enjoy the game.
Thou shalt argueth every sports debate with passion and anger.
Thou shalt not touch, smelleth, or speaketh to women unlesseth they’re also watching the game or cookithing.
Thou shalt not interacteth with children unlesseth they’re dying.

Accordingly, Little held fast to those sacred laws from grade school up until a few days ago. That’s when he began questioning everything — like why he sits in his boxers every Sunday checking up on the performance of men whom he’s virtually collected, on what he calls his fantasy team.

He’s begun to question the whole notion that watching football is a masculine thing to do.

“I brought a 95-inch T.V. just so I could get a better view of men tackling each other and catching balls,” Little says. “There I am sitting on the couch, slowly killing myself — while watching other men, who are in peak physical condition, play a fucking game for millions of dollars.”

While Little believes that he’s actually rediscovering his manhood by questioning the manliness of Sunday football, millions of other men would say he’s just being gay.

Normally Apathetic Mother Outraged After Teacher Confiscates Daughter’s Cell Phone

ignorant_mom — Public School Mom Joy Meeks calling for the dismissal of teacher who confiscated her daughter’s cell phone.

A Clarkelyn mom is up in arms after learning that her daughter had her cell phone taken away by her teacher last week.

Joy Meeks, 34, of Found Heights, Clarkelyn, filed a formal complaint Monday with the superintendent of Community School District 13. She motioned to have Eric Seale, a 7th grade math teacher at P.S. 169, indefinitely suspended from the classroom.

“He ain’t nobody’s daddy,” Meeks tells The Bluffington Roach. “And, he don’t pay no phone bills — do he? All right then.”

Seale says that on a daily basis he’s had to ask Meeks’ daughter to put her phone away during class. He said he’s tried by phone, email, and mail to speak with Meeks about her daughter’s behavior. But, she never responded.

“I’m both proud and pissed at the same time,” Seale tells BluffRo. “I’m proud because a parent actually took the initiative to stand up for a cause concerning her child’s education. I’m pissed because it’s probably the most ignorant cause she could have taken up.”

The district office is investigating the matter, and promises to bring justice to the Meeks family.

“We have protocol here at the department,” Viola Thomas, spokeswoman for the Macrapolis Department of Education, tells BluffRo. “We do not condone or champion alternative methods of discipline.”

It’s unlikely that Seale will lose his job, but he does face a lengthy suspension without pay.

“Maybe I really am the one who’s wrong here,” Seale says. “I was just trying to teach a class without being interrupted by World Star Hip-Hop fights and undecipherable text messages.”

The successful petition to get Seale disciplined has inspired Meeks to form a nonprofit organization for concerned public school parents. The organization will go by the name Mothers For Ignorance.

Rehab Program Looking to Harness Passion Crack-heads have for Directing Traffic

drugaddict_traffic_new — An Onx crack-head stumbles into the middle of on-coming traffic while the light is green, and directs drivers to proceed forward through the green-light. *Photo by Notsquiat.*

It’s Saturday afternoon, and a disheveled man stumbles onto the middle of an Onx street and signals a car to make an immediate right turn.

Never mind the fact that the car is 60 feet away from the streetlight. Never mind the fact that the driver intends to keep straight for another 8 blocks.

The disheveled man is a drug-abuser, and apparently he has a gift, according to a new report.

The Center for Crack-head Progress released a report yesterday which finds that drug-addicts have a supernatural ability to direct traffic. The report suggests that, if properly harnessed, their proclivity for directing traffic could revolutionize the drug rehabilitation process.

“Drug-addicts are people too,” Ivan Hilliard, executive director of the CCP, tells The Bluffington Roach. “The best way for a drug-abuser to recover from addiction is to have a positive alternative to drug use.”

The report details a comprehensive plan to help drug-addicts clean up their acts and provide them with intensive job training. The proposed program, Crack to the Cross-streets, would allow those who have shown promise directing traffic around the city to channel their passion and reintegrate into the workforce.

C2C aims to place repeat drug-offenders into the training program in lieu of jail time. Program participants would be groomed to become crossing guard assistants. That way, veteran crossing guards wouldn’t simply be replaced by a cheaper workforce — instead a whole new job market would be created.

They would be posted in between traffic instead of near the intersection. It would be a natural progression considering that drug-addicts enjoy dangerously navigating through tight traffic anyway.

Hilliard says that the program would actually save the city money. The $35,000 starting annual salary that the reformed drug addicts would receive is a lot less burdensome than the $167,000 it costs to house each inmate in Macrapolis jails every year.

“You have an untapped and inexpensive workforce ready to go,” Hilliard says. “We’re working on sending a detailed proposal to the mayor’s office. It outlines what the city can do to train and mobilize these sleeping giants. This is the perfect marriage between job-creation and rehabilitation.”

The CCP report also explored possible reasons why drug-addicts love directing traffic so much. One explanation suggests that traffic-directing is a way for them to feel connected with the community at-large. It helps fulfill an inner-yearning to make a positive contribution to society.

Another explanation theorizes that they’re just trying to get their hands on more drugs as quickly as possible. Whatever their motivation may be, not everyone is on board with the idea of deputizing drug-addicts to direct traffic.

“That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard,” Marcus Stokely, a 26-year-old Macrapolis motorist, tells BluffRo. “How are you going to rely on a crack-head to direct traffic, show up on time and avert disaster? That’s an oxymoron. Besides, the only time they direct traffic is when they’re high.”

LeBron Nearly Crippled By Hairline Injury during Championship Run

lebron-ground — LeBron James writhing in pain following historic performance during Game 6 of last year’s finals. Photo By: De’ Finley Notsquiat

Sources within the Miami Heat front office revealed yesterday that LeBron James battled severe hairline soreness during the team’s playoff run last season.

The injury was the result of a hairline fracture to his hairline that never properly healed.

“It’s just a testament to his focus and dogged determination,” a source within the organization tells The Bluffington Roach. “He put on one of the all-time great performances in NBA history — all while dealing with a near-crippling injury.”

It turns out that James has been bothered by the ailment since midway through his second season in the league. That’s when he initially hairline-fractured his hairline.

The troublesome injury became arthritic following the Heat’s championship run during the 2011-2012 season. The league played a condensed 66-game schedule that year. And, it appears that the physical demands of that season led to the rapid deterioration of the superstar’s hairline.

The team brought in a group of medical barbers from the Walker Clinic’s Urban Barber Intensive Care Unit to treat James’s ailing hairline throughout the 2012-2013 season.

James underwent exhaustive 45-minute shape-up sessions before and immediately following games. The sessions often left the area surrounding the hairline tender, burned, swollen, itchy, and irritated.

Nike scientists outfitted James with a custom-made double-headband brace in hopes of minimizing further damage. The thickness of the headband brace provides his hairline with enhanced protection from bright arena lights and HD cameras.

But, despite the added precautions and treatments, the injury continued to worsen last season. The severity of the injury became clear to many observers when James removed the protective headband during Game 6 of last year’s finals.

Sources say the hairline was so sore following the game that James couldn’t brush it for nearly 13 hours.

“It was tough,” the source says. “But, it comes with the territory. Everyone’s playing through injury — especially around playoff time. He just forced himself to keep his mind set on the ultimate goal.”

During the off-season, James and the Heat medical staff were seriously contemplating the possibility of removing the entire hairline. At a crossroads, James ultimately decided to rededicate himself to rehabbing his hairline. And, it appears that James made the right decision. His hairline looks better than it has in years this season.

James continues to push Nike to enhance its hairline technology, the source says. And, he continues to receive medical barber treatments on game days.

“Obviously he won’t be the same LeBron we saw at the beginning of his career. But, he looks and feels great this season.” the source says. “He’ll just have to continue to be smart and diligent in his approach to the injury.”