Gangbangers Sad After Leader Killed, Happy About End of Suspect Holiday Text-Messages

gangsters_mourn_death — Picture of the suspect selfie that Leroy “Go-Real-La” Washington sent out to his homies on Christmas.

A group of Clarkelyn gang members were relieved Thursday when their set-leader was killed — not because they’re disloyal, but because his death meant the end of really suspect group text-messages on holidays.

Leroy “Go-Real-la” Washington, 42, was fatally shot last week in an apparent assassination plot carried out by a rival gang. Washington was the leader and founder of the notorious East Macrapolis gang, the Murder Over Bitches Boyz.

Members of the MOBB expressed mixed emotions about the murder of their leader, whom they often called “Go” for short.

“That nigga held shit down for real. Some of these niggas out here talk that shit. ’Go’ really lived it,” one MOBB member, who identified himself as “Trigga,” tells The Bluffington Roach. “It’s just that my nigga used to send out the gayest texts.”

Trigga and other MOBB members say that Washington routinely sent out mass text-messages to his soldiers on holidays.

They say the texts made them feel very uncomfortable. But, they didn’t dare say anything to Washington because of his reputation as a recklessly violent individual.

“I once seen ‘Go’ cut a dude’s middle finger off, stick it up the dude’s ass, make him sniff it, and then sew the shit back on to the nigga’s good hand,” one MOBB member, who asked us to keep his identity concealed, tells BluffRo.

The anonymous gang-banger described Washington as a 6-foot-4, 250-pound man with a menacing demeanor and arms the size of black market butt implants.

“I couldn’t get with the nigga’s holiday texts though,” the gang-member says. “That shit was mad gay, but niggas couldn’t really say shit because they might’ve gotten killed.”

He described a text-message that Washington sent to his gang affiliates on Christmas. In the text, Washington apparently took a picture in front of his bathroom mirror dressed in a wife-beater, green basketball shorts and a Santa hat — while holding a bottle of Hennessy Black.

In the text’s caption he wrote: “The Henny got a nigga right. Might stumble down one of ya’ll chimneys tonight…ha ha. Merry X-Mas my niggas!”

“I think it’s because ‘Go’ was an old-head, and old-heads don’t really know how to use technology and all that,” Trigga says. “I gave him the old-head pass, but then again, he also sent some wild shit on Valentine’s Day too. First of all, you not supposed to get a text from another nigga on Valentine’s Day unless a life-threatening emergency arises.”

Trigga said Washington sent the gang a photograph of a candlelit dinner with rose-pedals sprinkled around the table. In the message’s caption he wrote:

“Ya’ll ain’t know a nigga had it in him huh? Rather be cheffin’ it up for the homies for real — gotta do the wifey thing tonight though. My niggas over everything tho… ha ha. #MOBB.”

Despite the suspect nature of their leader’s holiday text messages, MOBB members maintain respect for their late comrade.

“RIP to the boss — one of the realest niggas to do it.” Trigga said. “He just had a few gay-ass text messages.”

Kings Teenager Blames Internet Porn Found on Family Computer on Malware

A Historia, Kings teenager blamed computer malware Saturday for the Internet porn found on his technologically un-savvy mother’s computer.

Around noon Saturday, 14-year-old Alan Jordan’s mother, Angela Williams, went to check her horoscope and e-mail on AOL.com. Jordan thought he had memorized his mother’s limited Internet browsing routine.

He hadn’t anticipated that a friend of Williams — with slightly more advanced computer skills — would encourage his mother to do a Google Image search of a set of stainless-steal pots and pans that she’d recently purchased.

“I went to put in pots and pans on the Google, and the word ‘pussy’ came up,” Williams tells The Bluffington Roach. “Then all of this smut popped up on my computer.”

She immediately yelled to her son’s room — demanding an explanation for why 13 vaginas had just popped on her computer screen.

At that moment, a nervous tingle pulsed through Jordan’s body. Usually a masterfully clandestine masturbator, Jordan knew that he had slipped up this time.

“I got sloppy,” Jordan tells BluffRo. “Rule No. 1: never end a session without clearing all web browsing data. I got way too cocky about my mom’s awful computer skills. This was a real wake-up call.”

Google’s AutoFill feature was the catalyst for Jordan’s demise. AutoFill relies on a user’s prior search history to predict and automatically complete search inquiries.

Earlier that morning, around 2 a.m., Jordan watched a loop of infomercials for the “Show Me Your Tits Whore” DVD series on television. Boredom, blurred-out breasts, and unsatisfied curiosity drove Jordan to his mom’s laptop.

He did his usual safety checks. First, he made sure that his sister, Gloria Jordan, was asleep in her room — which is adjacent to his. He gave a quick listen for his parents, and then made his dash for the laptop.

Every precaution was taken — every precaution except for browser history.

“Rihanna breasts,” “Kim Kardashian ass, “ “Kate Upton boobs,” and “Halle Berry Monster’s Ball” are just a few of the autocomplete inquiries that Williams discovered and read aloud in the presence of Jordan, her friend, his father, and his sister.

“For real ma, on everything I love, I have no idea how this got here,” Jordan recalls telling his mother. “It’s those pop-ups. These sites try and put viruses on the computer. Credit scammers and what not…I only go on ESPN and a few other music sites. We probably need Norton Anti-Virus honestly.”

Still angry and still confused, Jordan’s mother continued to probe him about the naked pictures. Jordan continued to evade. Capitalizing on her confusion, Jordan began throwing out more and more random computer jargon – jargon which would only sound relevant to the unwitting ear.

Stuck between not wanting to come to grips with the fact that her son likely used the family computer to beat his meat and the fact that she knows nothing about the Internet, Williams caved.

“Look, just don’t use the computer anymore,” Williams told him. “Every time I turn around something is broken in this house! You’re probably on the damn thing too much — making it too hot to work right.”