Study Explains Connection between Adult Males and Delusional Hoop Dreams

chasing_pro_hoop_dreams — Two straight victories during pickup basketball at the YMCA somehow gives a fully grown adult man the confidence that he will one day become a professional athlete. *Photo by D.M. Notsquiat

A basketball advocacy group released a report earlier today examining why so many adult males with limited basketball skills are pursuing professional hoop careers.

Players Against Rec-League Nonsense, a nonprofit organization dedicated to cleaning up the world of low-stakes basketball, commissioned the study in order to come up with solutions to help address the growing epidemic.

It should be noted that the report doesn’t condemn all adult males who pursue professional basketball careers. Guys who played Division I basketball or had standout college careers at lower levels have reserved the right to pursue professional basketball careers.

That privilege even extends to guys who had great high school careers or have a big-time street-ball reputation.

“We’re targeting men who, for lack of better wording, have no fucking business trying to be serious about basketball,” Eric Welsing, executive director of PARLN, tells The Bluffington Roach.

PARLN’s report indicates that these men suffer from a condition known as basketphrenia. The symptoms of basketphrenia are very similar to the symptoms found in men suffering from Bums Disguised as Good Players Syndrome.

Both conditions cause individuals to develop an inflated sense of their skills and abilities on the basketball court. This leads to the development of two personas — one of the individual’s imagined self, and one of his actual self.

The primary difference between BDGPS and basketphrenia is that individuals with basketphrenia are actually relatively decent at the sport — meaning they’re usually average to above-average players during run-of-the-mill pick-up games.

Thus, the over-inflation of their imagined selves is slightly less severe than those suffering from BDGPS. None-the-less, they have no business pursuing a career in professional basketball either.

The report advises those looking for signs of basketphrenia in adult males to observe whether suspected individuals “work out” more frequently now than they did when they actually had a chance to make it somewhere.

PARLN also warns to be on the lookout for guys who have never really accomplished anything of note at any point in their careers. According to the report, victims of basketphrenia were often bench or role-players in youth leagues and high school.

Also be leery of guys who have been “on their way” to more than three junior colleges in obscure locations and guys who are always on the cusp of going to play overseas but are somehow always in the hood, the report warns.

“Niggas must be late bloomers — because every day I run into dudes who I’ve always been way better at basketball than. Yet, they always claim that they’re either heading overseas or preparing to work out for an overseas team,” Amos Turner, a former four-year starting point guard at a mid-major Division I school, tells BluffRo. “Maybe I’ve got it fucked up because even with my resume, and all the hard work I put in for years, I couldn’t catch on long-term in a good league.”

The report warns that individuals suffering from basketphrenia are subject to tell people anything when they’re updating them on the status of their career. PARLN says that it’s best not to press individuals while they’re in the midst of telling a blatant lie. Pressing them on their obvious bull-shit will only fuel them to tell even taller tales, according to the report.

“When one of these guys tells you that he’s heading overseas to play in a league in the Congo, do NOT question him by asking ‘isn’t there a deadly Western/corporate-backed proxy war raging over there?’” Welsing says. “Just let it go. Who knows what lies he’ll concoct to explain that away.”

The epidemic of terrible adult male basketball players pursuing professional hoop dreams is particularly widespread within the black community. Ultimately, Welsing hopes that the PARLN report will spark a movement to get these delusional adult black men the help they need.

He believes that the energy these men put into chasing an unobtainable goal could actually be used to build a business, learn a trade, further their education and/or uplift their community.

“We’re trapped in a system that works to derail the growth of black men,” Welsing says. “God knows we could use all the able men we’ve got to anchor stronger families and properly nurture future generations.”

Murders Over Who’s Got Next During Pick-Up Basketball Spiraling Out of Control

A record-high 69 people were murdered in the U.S. last year over next in pick-up basketball.

Anyone who plays pick-up basketball knows that guys get overly gangster when it comes to arguing over who’s got next. They often become irrationally enraged. That irrational rage is now escalating into cold-blooded murder at an alarmingly high rate.

Players Against Rec-League Non-sense, a nonprofit organization dedicated to cleaning up the world of low-stakes basketball, estimates that roughly 115 people were murdered last year during pick-up basketball disputes — 69 of those murders were directly related to arguments over who’s got next.

Macrapolis leads the nation in who’s got next killings. And, City Council is pushing for legislation that would require pick-up basketball locations to post sign-in sheets for those seeking to declare next.

“It’s evident that adult men can’t handle the responsibility of deciding who’s got next,” City Councilman Kwame Johnson tells The Bluffington Roach. “We are confident that the list requirement will save lives.”

Many disputes over next can be attributed to shitty communication.

One guy will walk up to the side of the court and yell I got next without confirming whether or not he’s actually been heard. Later on, another guy will walk up to a random person on the sideline and tell him, and him alone, that he’s “got next.”

The men will profile on the sideline until it’s their turn to play instead of making it clear who has next. When the inevitable clash between the two comes to a head, the two men will square up with one another like every ounce of their manhood is at stake.

The exchange will go something like this:

Dickhead #1: Nah, my nigga I’ve been waiting her for like 46 ½ minutes. I’m on.

Dickhead #2: What the fuck are you talking about? As soon as I came in here I told him I had next, (as he points to the random guy he declared next to).

Random Guy: (He never wanted to be involved in the argument but reluctantly nods his head in agreement). He did.

Dickhead #1: Nah fuck that, I’ve been here since breakfast my nigga. I’m not getting off. (He nonchalantly shoots the ball from half-court to let niggas know he doesn’t give a fuck and that he’s there to stay).

Dickhead #2: Nigga I ain’t getting off. So, I guess niggas not playing then.

Dickhead #1: Get the fuck outta here son. Stop frontin’ for the cameras my G.

This exchange will go on for a long-time because whoever backs down first will feel like a bitch for the next three days. The dynamics between the two men will vary from situation to situation.

One might clearly appear bigger and tougher than the other. And, the rest of the gym knows who would win a fight if something actually popped off. But, the clearly weaker man will display quite defiance, so he can feel like he still has some testosterone left in his nuts.

Alternatively one of the guys might be a gym regular who feels like he has the protection of other gym regulars behind him if he ever had to actually act on his tough talk.

There could be another scenario where one guy is really shitty at basketball but lifts mad weights. He’ll probably have strong-ass deltoids with the game of a diabetic fashion designer. Thus, he’ll seek to assert his manliness any chance he can outside the context of actual basketball — which he is gay at.

Proving ones manhood during recreational pick-up basketball means everything. So, naturally it would make sense to kill the guy who’s arguing with you over next rather than be the bigger person and put your ego to the side.

PARLN supports the legislation, but understands that even the most logical tracking system may not be enough.

The organization warns that there will always be dickheads, with the right blend of insecurity and arrogance, who will escalate situations to unnecessarily dangerous levels.

“One would think that a list that clearly establishes the order of who gets to play would be full-proof,” Eric Welsing, executive director of PARLN, tells BluffRo. “But, we must realize that even the strongest legislation won’t stop a dickhead from being an asshole.”

Sources: LeBron James Underwent Hairline Platelet Therapy in Off-Season

lbj_post_surgery — James recovering in hospital following off-season procedure to repair damaged hairline.

LeBron James underwent plasma-rich platelet therapy on his arthritic hairline during the off-season, according to sources close to the two-time champion.

As The Bluffington Roach recently reported, James battled chronic hairline soreness last season. The soreness was the result of a hairline-fracture-of-the-hairline injury that James suffered early in his career.

James held out hope that the platelet therapy would do for his hairline what it did for Kobe Bryant’s arthritic right knee in 2011. Thus far, the procedure seems to have worked out pretty well for James.

PRP treatments are no longer shrouded in the same level of mystery that they were when Bryant first got his knee done. In fact, scores of professional athletes have received similar treatments here in the U.S since that time.

But, James was the first person in the world to receive the therapy on his hairline, and the FDA is still vague on its guidelines regarding the manipulation of hair tissue. Thus, he had to venture to Germany for the procedure.

“It looked like Kobe jumped straight out of the fountain of youth when he got his knee done. And, he went strong on it for more than two years — despite his age,” a source close to James tells BluffRo . “We know this probably won’t last forever, but ‘Bron is hoping to get a good three or four more years out of his hairline.”

The reigning MVP initially considered getting an outright hair-transplant but felt that the PRP therapy was better suited to help repair his severely damaged hair tissue. PRP therapy is a minimally invasive procedure that involves extracting blood from a patient’s arm and spinning that blood on a centrifuge — in order to isolate rich blood platelets.

The isolated platelets are then injected into the site of the damaged area via ultrasound technology. The platelets are supposed to help stimulate tissue repair in the targeted area. Definitive conclusions on the effectiveness of the treatment have yet to be reached, and not every recipient of the treatment displayed the same level of improvement as Bryant did. Just look at Andrew Bynum.

James knew that Bryant’s remarkable recovery likely had as much to do with the PRP treatment as it did with his superb work ethic and superior will to win. With that understanding, James took an extremely diligent and dedicated approach to rehabbing his hairline during the off-season.

Sources say that James also investigated the dietary habits of Bryant, and other diet-conscious athletes such as pro-football star, Tony Gonzalez. Many athletes overlook the damage that sugar, salt, and saturated fats inflict on the nerves, muscles, and tissues — as they rob the body’s blood and cells of vital nutrients and hydration. Thus, James reportedly overhauled his entire eating regimen.

James is said to be pleased with the progress of the injury, and members of his camp say that his hairline hasn’t looked this good since high school.

“His hairline looks 10 years younger. The medical staff cut down his barber treatments to four times a week,” a source tells BluffRo. “And, I’m not supposed to tell you guys this. But, lately he’s been getting up and down the court in practice without the aid of a headband brace.”

Man Amnestied from Rec-League Basketball Team

man_amnestied(color) — Henry Hill, 29, distraught after rec-league coach, Fat Riley, informs him that he’s been amnestied. Photo By D.M. Notsquiat

A men’s league basketball team shattered a Clarkelyn man’s ego yesterday when it decided to amnesty him from its roster in an adult rec-league.

The After-Work All-Stars exercised its 2013-2014 amnesty provision on 29-year-old Alonzo Musgrove. The move marks the first time that anyone has ever been amnestied from any kind of recreational sports team.

The team released the following statement on the league’s Facebook fan page yesterday:

“On the Behalf of the After-Work All-Stars, I want to thank Alonzo for his contributions to the team,” AWA Coach Fat Riley wrote. “We did not come to this decision lightly, but the organization ultimately concluded that this move would be in the best interest of the team as well as Alonzo moving forward. We wish him nothing but the best.”

The move left many puzzled. Primarily because it was completely unnecessary.

The amnesty clause included in the NBA’s latest collective bargaining agreement affords teams with a one-time opportunity to waive a player without his contract counting towards the salary cap.

It’s kind of difficult to apply a similar provision to a men’s league because there are no salaries to cap.

Sources close to the AWA tell The Bluffington Roach that Riley went to league officials from the No Hope Left, Annual Memorial Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall Classic and petitioned them for a one-time amnesty provision.

It turns out that Riley and other players on the team found Musgrove to be an utterly despicable individual on the basketball court. So much so that Riley allegedly paid the league’s commissioner an undisclosed amount of money to authorize the absolutely unnecessary clause, sources say.

While some would characterize Riley’s alleged dealings as under-handed, players from the AWA insist that he acted appropriately.

Apparently Musgrove sucked that much.

“We wanted to find a way to make him feel like shit. He’s a 5-foot-10 point-forward hybrid with no athleticism, zero foot-speed, mediocre handle, an erratic jump-shot, and a shitty physique,” a former AWA teammate of Musgrove, who asked to remain anonymous, tells BluffRo. “Two lay-ups, a mid-range jumper, and two rebounds are the max level of production that a team is going to get from him.”

Musgrove’s teammates insist that they don’t despise him because of his questionable skills and shitty fitness level. They truly hate him for being cocky about it. His unwarranted arrogance drove him to constantly complain about playing time. Several teammates recalled instances when Musgrove actually subbed himself into games.

“He was always threatening to quit the team and go play for another squad,” one former teammate says. “So, we finally found a way to call his bluff.”

Surprisingly, all of Musgrove’s former AWA teammates agree that’s he’s actually a cool guy off of the court. Every teammate we spoke to described him as a funny and chill dude outside of basketball.

Coach Riley believes that Musgrove may suffer from the very disorder that we recently reported on — Bums Disguised as Good Players Syndrome. It’s been rumored that his BDGPS may be causing him to think he can actually play professional basketball overseas, despite questionable skills and recently being waived by a rec-league basketball team.

“I hope the nigga quits the sport after this,” another former teammate says. “He needs to stop it.”

Musgrove could not be reached for comment. We’ll provide updates on any new developments in the story.

Excessive Basketball Gear Linked to Devastating Disorder

bad_rec_baller — Henry Hill, 26, eagerly awaits the opportunity to do absolutely nothing during the next game.

Henry Hill, 26, enters the gym wearing a long black sleeve on each elbow, a double wristband over his right forearm, a manually-cut sleeveless shirt, a calf-sleeve on each leg and two rubber awareness bracelets around each wrist.

Some observers would say Hill looks like a true baller. Others would say he looks like a real dick-head.

Players Against Rec-League Non-Sense, a non-profit organization dedicated to cleaning up the world of low-stakes basketball, says that such attire is symptomatic of a larger epidemic plaguing rec-centers across the country.

“Henry? He’s been playing with Stage IV basketball cancer for years. It has severely impaired his skills and his ability to be a likable human-being,” Drew Chandler, a 28-year-old former NCAA Division II point guard, jokingly told The Bluffington Roach. “Nah, but for real, he’s horrible in every way.”

Basketball cancer isn’t a classified medical disorder, but many horrible-to-mediocre adult males are suffering from a chronic condition known as Bums Disguised as Good Players Syndrome.

Symptoms of BDGPS often include severe delusion, limited athleticism, limited talent, limited-to-no skills, absurd arrogance, and a pathological obsession with extremely tacky basketball gear. The disorder often causes victims to pursue a career in professional basketball, despite failing to achieve any success in the sport, at any level, anywhere, at any time in their lives.

PARLN projects that by 2020 nearly 85% of all pick-up basketball players will suffer from the condition. Guys who can actually ball say they’ve noticed a steady decline in the quality of recreational basketball in recent years.

“I’m out here trying to get a decent run in man. These guys are so extra though,” Chandler said. “I’m not trying to deal with clowns who want to wait until they’re grown-ass men to chase their hoop dreams.”

Despite receiving frequent reality checks and votes of non-confidence from guys who once enjoyed some semblance of success in the sport, BDGPS victims remain remarkably undeterred.

“I’m trying to go overseas,” Hill told BluffRo. “I was about to sign a deal to go play for a team out in Somalia, but like, the famine over there — it kind of complicated that situation or whatever. But, my agent opened talks with a team out in Syria. We just have to see what happens with the violent warfare going on over there — fingers crossed [sic].”

Minutes later, with a steady flow of sweat running from his headband down to his temple, Hill hoisted up a game-deciding three-pointer. It was a two-handed, fade-away rocket. His tongue stuck far out of his mouth invoking images of Michael Jordan. He held his two-handed follow-through with unshakeable confidence.

The shot clanked hard off the back-board — without grazing even a fraction of the hoop.

At that moment, the devastating effects of BDGPS became all too real to those in attendance.

Macrapolis Man Realizes Culture of Sunday Football is Not Actually Manly at All

A Kings man has come to the sad realization that the entire culture of Sunday football is not really all that “manly.”

Eric Little, a 34-year-old Wrong Island City resident, had this revelation on Monday morning when one of his female co-workers at the Macrapolis Department of Education asked him what he did over the weekend.

A sense of emptiness and profound sadness suddenly overwhelmed Little. Nearly two months have passed since the end of football season, and its conclusion left a huge void in Little’s life.

But, that sadness quickly turned into confusion as Little began to reminisce on the season. He flashed-back to memories of sitting on the couch watching football in his boxers, eating nachos and cheese, and drinking beers. The image of his balls hanging half-way out of his boxers and his small man-boobs poking out of his wife-beater began to terrify him.

“It’s like it all came together at once — as if by some sort of divine intervention,” Little tells The Bluffington Roach. “I saw myself sitting there with my balls out watching a bunch of large men in tights colliding at extraordinary speeds. Then I thought to myself ‘wow, ten-player pile-ups aren’t very manly.”

At that moment, Little realized that everything he grew up believing about Sunday football was a lie. From an early age he was raised to view Sunday football as one of the few opportunities for hardworking men to let go of life’s worries and just be men for a few hours.

The sacred laws of Sunday football were ingrained in him from a young age:

Thou shalt drinketh and be merry.
Thou shalt purchaseth snacks to enjoy the game.
Thou shalt argueth every sports debate with passion and anger.
Thou shalt not touch, smelleth, or speaketh to women unlesseth they’re also watching the game or cookithing.
Thou shalt not interacteth with children unlesseth they’re dying.

Accordingly, Little held fast to those sacred laws from grade school up until a few days ago. That’s when he began questioning everything — like why he sits in his boxers every Sunday checking up on the performance of men whom he’s virtually collected, on what he calls his fantasy team.

He’s begun to question the whole notion that watching football is a masculine thing to do.

“I brought a 95-inch T.V. just so I could get a better view of men tackling each other and catching balls,” Little says. “There I am sitting on the couch, slowly killing myself — while watching other men, who are in peak physical condition, play a fucking game for millions of dollars.”

While Little believes that he’s actually rediscovering his manhood by questioning the manliness of Sunday football, millions of other men would say he’s just being gay.

LeBron Nearly Crippled By Hairline Injury during Championship Run

lebron-ground — LeBron James writhing in pain following historic performance during Game 6 of last year’s finals. Photo By: De’ Finley Notsquiat

Sources within the Miami Heat front office revealed yesterday that LeBron James battled severe hairline soreness during the team’s playoff run last season.

The injury was the result of a hairline fracture to his hairline that never properly healed.

“It’s just a testament to his focus and dogged determination,” a source within the organization tells The Bluffington Roach. “He put on one of the all-time great performances in NBA history — all while dealing with a near-crippling injury.”

It turns out that James has been bothered by the ailment since midway through his second season in the league. That’s when he initially hairline-fractured his hairline.

The troublesome injury became arthritic following the Heat’s championship run during the 2011-2012 season. The league played a condensed 66-game schedule that year. And, it appears that the physical demands of that season led to the rapid deterioration of the superstar’s hairline.

The team brought in a group of medical barbers from the Walker Clinic’s Urban Barber Intensive Care Unit to treat James’s ailing hairline throughout the 2012-2013 season.

James underwent exhaustive 45-minute shape-up sessions before and immediately following games. The sessions often left the area surrounding the hairline tender, burned, swollen, itchy, and irritated.

Nike scientists outfitted James with a custom-made double-headband brace in hopes of minimizing further damage. The thickness of the headband brace provides his hairline with enhanced protection from bright arena lights and HD cameras.

But, despite the added precautions and treatments, the injury continued to worsen last season. The severity of the injury became clear to many observers when James removed the protective headband during Game 6 of last year’s finals.

Sources say the hairline was so sore following the game that James couldn’t brush it for nearly 13 hours.

“It was tough,” the source says. “But, it comes with the territory. Everyone’s playing through injury — especially around playoff time. He just forced himself to keep his mind set on the ultimate goal.”

During the off-season, James and the Heat medical staff were seriously contemplating the possibility of removing the entire hairline. At a crossroads, James ultimately decided to rededicate himself to rehabbing his hairline. And, it appears that James made the right decision. His hairline looks better than it has in years this season.

James continues to push Nike to enhance its hairline technology, the source says. And, he continues to receive medical barber treatments on game days.

“Obviously he won’t be the same LeBron we saw at the beginning of his career. But, he looks and feels great this season.” the source says. “He’ll just have to continue to be smart and diligent in his approach to the injury.”