It’s Saturday afternoon, and a disheveled man stumbles onto the middle of an Onx street and signals a car to make an immediate right turn.

Never mind the fact that the car is 60 feet away from the streetlight. Never mind the fact that the driver intends to keep straight for another 8 blocks.

The disheveled man is a drug-abuser, and apparently he has a gift, according to a new report.

The Center for Crack-head Progress released a report yesterday which finds that drug-addicts have a supernatural ability to direct traffic. The report suggests that, if properly harnessed, their proclivity for directing traffic could revolutionize the drug rehabilitation process.

“Drug-addicts are people too,” Ivan Hilliard, executive director of the CCP, tells The Bluffington Roach. “The best way for a drug-abuser to recover from addiction is to have a positive alternative to drug use.”

The report details a comprehensive plan to help drug-addicts clean up their acts and provide them with intensive job training. The proposed program, Crack to the Cross-streets, would allow those who have shown promise directing traffic around the city to channel their passion and reintegrate into the workforce.

C2C aims to place repeat drug-offenders into the training program in lieu of jail time. Program participants would be groomed to become crossing guard assistants. That way, veteran crossing guards wouldn’t simply be replaced by a cheaper workforce — instead a whole new job market would be created.

They would be posted in between traffic instead of near the intersection. It would be a natural progression considering that drug-addicts enjoy dangerously navigating through tight traffic anyway.

Hilliard says that the program would actually save the city money. The $35,000 starting annual salary that the reformed drug addicts would receive is a lot less burdensome than the $167,000 it costs to house each inmate in Macrapolis jails every year.

“You have an untapped and inexpensive workforce ready to go,” Hilliard says. “We’re working on sending a detailed proposal to the mayor’s office. It outlines what the city can do to train and mobilize these sleeping giants. This is the perfect marriage between job-creation and rehabilitation.”

The CCP report also explored possible reasons why drug-addicts love directing traffic so much. One explanation suggests that traffic-directing is a way for them to feel connected with the community at-large. It helps fulfill an inner-yearning to make a positive contribution to society.

Another explanation theorizes that they’re just trying to get their hands on more drugs as quickly as possible. Whatever their motivation may be, not everyone is on board with the idea of deputizing drug-addicts to direct traffic.

“That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard,” Marcus Stokely, a 26-year-old Macrapolis motorist, tells BluffRo. “How are you going to rely on a crack-head to direct traffic, show up on time and avert disaster? That’s an oxymoron. Besides, the only time they direct traffic is when they’re high.”