Henry Hill, 26, enters the gym wearing a long black sleeve on each elbow, a double wristband over his right forearm, a manually-cut sleeveless shirt, a calf-sleeve on each leg and two rubber awareness bracelets around each wrist.
Some observers would say Hill looks like a true baller. Others would say he looks like a real dick-head.
Players Against Rec-League Non-Sense, a non-profit organization dedicated to cleaning up the world of low-stakes basketball, says that such attire is symptomatic of a larger epidemic plaguing rec-centers across the country.
“Henry? He’s been playing with Stage IV basketball cancer for years. It has severely impaired his skills and his ability to be a likable human-being,” Drew Chandler, a 28-year-old former NCAA Division II point guard, jokingly told The Bluffington Roach. “Nah, but for real, he’s horrible in every way.”
Basketball cancer isn’t a classified medical disorder, but many horrible-to-mediocre adult males are suffering from a chronic condition known as Bums Disguised as Good Players Syndrome.
Symptoms of BDGPS often include severe delusion, limited athleticism, limited talent, limited-to-no skills, absurd arrogance, and a pathological obsession with extremely tacky basketball gear. The disorder often causes victims to pursue a career in professional basketball, despite failing to achieve any success in the sport, at any level, anywhere, at any time in their lives.
PARLN projects that by 2020 nearly 85% of all pick-up basketball players will suffer from the condition. Guys who can actually ball say they’ve noticed a steady decline in the quality of recreational basketball in recent years.
“I’m out here trying to get a decent run in man. These guys are so extra though,” Chandler said. “I’m not trying to deal with clowns who want to wait until they’re grown-ass men to chase their hoop dreams.”
Despite receiving frequent reality checks and votes of non-confidence from guys who once enjoyed some semblance of success in the sport, BDGPS victims remain remarkably undeterred.
“I’m trying to go overseas,” Hill told BluffRo. “I was about to sign a deal to go play for a team out in Somalia, but like, the famine over there — it kind of complicated that situation or whatever. But, my agent opened talks with a team out in Syria. We just have to see what happens with the violent warfare going on over there — fingers crossed [sic].”
Minutes later, with a steady flow of sweat running from his headband down to his temple, Hill hoisted up a game-deciding three-pointer. It was a two-handed, fade-away rocket. His tongue stuck far out of his mouth invoking images of Michael Jordan. He held his two-handed follow-through with unshakeable confidence.
The shot clanked hard off the back-board — without grazing even a fraction of the hoop.
At that moment, the devastating effects of BDGPS became all too real to those in attendance.
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