adults

chasing_pro_hoop_dreams — Two straight victories during pickup basketball at the YMCA somehow gives a fully grown adult man the confidence that he will one day become a professional athlete. *Photo by D.M. Notsquiat

A basketball advocacy group released a report earlier today examining why so many adult males with limited basketball skills are pursuing professional hoop careers.

Players Against Rec-League Nonsense, a nonprofit organization dedicated to cleaning up the world of low-stakes basketball, commissioned the study in order to come up with solutions to help address the growing epidemic.

It should be noted that the report doesn’t condemn all adult males who pursue professional basketball careers. Guys who played Division I basketball or had standout college careers at lower levels have reserved the right to pursue professional basketball careers.

That privilege even extends to guys who had great high school careers or have a big-time street-ball reputation.

“We’re targeting men who, for lack of better wording, have no fucking business trying to be serious about basketball,” Eric Welsing, executive director of PARLN, tells The Bluffington Roach.

PARLN’s report indicates that these men suffer from a condition known as basketphrenia. The symptoms of basketphrenia are very similar to the symptoms found in men suffering from Bums Disguised as Good Players Syndrome.

Both conditions cause individuals to develop an inflated sense of their skills and abilities on the basketball court. This leads to the development of two personas — one of the individual’s imagined self, and one of his actual self.

The primary difference between BDGPS and basketphrenia is that individuals with basketphrenia are actually relatively decent at the sport — meaning they’re usually average to above-average players during run-of-the-mill pick-up games.

Thus, the over-inflation of their imagined selves is slightly less severe than those suffering from BDGPS. None-the-less, they have no business pursuing a career in professional basketball either.

The report advises those looking for signs of basketphrenia in adult males to observe whether suspected individuals “work out” more frequently now than they did when they actually had a chance to make it somewhere.

PARLN also warns to be on the lookout for guys who have never really accomplished anything of note at any point in their careers. According to the report, victims of basketphrenia were often bench or role-players in youth leagues and high school.

Also be leery of guys who have been “on their way” to more than three junior colleges in obscure locations and guys who are always on the cusp of going to play overseas but are somehow always in the hood, the report warns.

“Niggas must be late bloomers — because every day I run into dudes who I’ve always been way better at basketball than. Yet, they always claim that they’re either heading overseas or preparing to work out for an overseas team,” Amos Turner, a former four-year starting point guard at a mid-major Division I school, tells BluffRo. “Maybe I’ve got it fucked up because even with my resume, and all the hard work I put in for years, I couldn’t catch on long-term in a good league.”

The report warns that individuals suffering from basketphrenia are subject to tell people anything when they’re updating them on the status of their career. PARLN says that it’s best not to press individuals while they’re in the midst of telling a blatant lie. Pressing them on their obvious bull-shit will only fuel them to tell even taller tales, according to the report.

“When one of these guys tells you that he’s heading overseas to play in a league in the Congo, do NOT question him by asking ‘isn’t there a deadly Western/corporate-backed proxy war raging over there?’” Welsing says. “Just let it go. Who knows what lies he’ll concoct to explain that away.”

The epidemic of terrible adult male basketball players pursuing professional hoop dreams is particularly widespread within the black community. Ultimately, Welsing hopes that the PARLN report will spark a movement to get these delusional adult black men the help they need.

He believes that the energy these men put into chasing an unobtainable goal could actually be used to build a business, learn a trade, further their education and/or uplift their community.

“We’re trapped in a system that works to derail the growth of black men,” Welsing says. “God knows we could use all the able men we’ve got to anchor stronger families and properly nurture future generations.”

A record-high 69 people were murdered in the U.S. last year over next in pick-up basketball.

Anyone who plays pick-up basketball knows that guys get overly gangster when it comes to arguing over who’s got next. They often become irrationally enraged. That irrational rage is now escalating into cold-blooded murder at an alarmingly high rate.

Players Against Rec-League Non-sense, a nonprofit organization dedicated to cleaning up the world of low-stakes basketball, estimates that roughly 115 people were murdered last year during pick-up basketball disputes — 69 of those murders were directly related to arguments over who’s got next.

Macrapolis leads the nation in who’s got next killings. And, City Council is pushing for legislation that would require pick-up basketball locations to post sign-in sheets for those seeking to declare next.

“It’s evident that adult men can’t handle the responsibility of deciding who’s got next,” City Councilman Kwame Johnson tells The Bluffington Roach. “We are confident that the list requirement will save lives.”

Many disputes over next can be attributed to shitty communication.

One guy will walk up to the side of the court and yell I got next without confirming whether or not he’s actually been heard. Later on, another guy will walk up to a random person on the sideline and tell him, and him alone, that he’s “got next.”

The men will profile on the sideline until it’s their turn to play instead of making it clear who has next. When the inevitable clash between the two comes to a head, the two men will square up with one another like every ounce of their manhood is at stake.

The exchange will go something like this:

Dickhead #1: Nah, my nigga I’ve been waiting her for like 46 ½ minutes. I’m on.

Dickhead #2: What the fuck are you talking about? As soon as I came in here I told him I had next, (as he points to the random guy he declared next to).

Random Guy: (He never wanted to be involved in the argument but reluctantly nods his head in agreement). He did.

Dickhead #1: Nah fuck that, I’ve been here since breakfast my nigga. I’m not getting off. (He nonchalantly shoots the ball from half-court to let niggas know he doesn’t give a fuck and that he’s there to stay).

Dickhead #2: Nigga I ain’t getting off. So, I guess niggas not playing then.

Dickhead #1: Get the fuck outta here son. Stop frontin’ for the cameras my G.

This exchange will go on for a long-time because whoever backs down first will feel like a bitch for the next three days. The dynamics between the two men will vary from situation to situation.

One might clearly appear bigger and tougher than the other. And, the rest of the gym knows who would win a fight if something actually popped off. But, the clearly weaker man will display quite defiance, so he can feel like he still has some testosterone left in his nuts.

Alternatively one of the guys might be a gym regular who feels like he has the protection of other gym regulars behind him if he ever had to actually act on his tough talk.

There could be another scenario where one guy is really shitty at basketball but lifts mad weights. He’ll probably have strong-ass deltoids with the game of a diabetic fashion designer. Thus, he’ll seek to assert his manliness any chance he can outside the context of actual basketball — which he is gay at.

Proving ones manhood during recreational pick-up basketball means everything. So, naturally it would make sense to kill the guy who’s arguing with you over next rather than be the bigger person and put your ego to the side.

PARLN supports the legislation, but understands that even the most logical tracking system may not be enough.

The organization warns that there will always be dickheads, with the right blend of insecurity and arrogance, who will escalate situations to unnecessarily dangerous levels.

“One would think that a list that clearly establishes the order of who gets to play would be full-proof,” Eric Welsing, executive director of PARLN, tells BluffRo. “But, we must realize that even the strongest legislation won’t stop a dickhead from being an asshole.”

Tag: adults

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