A Historia, Kings teenager blamed computer malware Saturday for the Internet porn found on his technologically un-savvy mother’s computer.

Around noon Saturday, 14-year-old Alan Jordan’s mother, Angela Williams, went to check her horoscope and e-mail on AOL.com. Jordan thought he had memorized his mother’s limited Internet browsing routine.

He hadn’t anticipated that a friend of Williams — with slightly more advanced computer skills — would encourage his mother to do a Google Image search of a set of stainless-steal pots and pans that she’d recently purchased.

“I went to put in pots and pans on the Google, and the word ‘pussy’ came up,” Williams tells The Bluffington Roach. “Then all of this smut popped up on my computer.”

She immediately yelled to her son’s room — demanding an explanation for why 13 vaginas had just popped on her computer screen.

At that moment, a nervous tingle pulsed through Jordan’s body. Usually a masterfully clandestine masturbator, Jordan knew that he had slipped up this time.

“I got sloppy,” Jordan tells BluffRo. “Rule No. 1: never end a session without clearing all web browsing data. I got way too cocky about my mom’s awful computer skills. This was a real wake-up call.”

Google’s AutoFill feature was the catalyst for Jordan’s demise. AutoFill relies on a user’s prior search history to predict and automatically complete search inquiries.

Earlier that morning, around 2 a.m., Jordan watched a loop of infomercials for the “Show Me Your Tits Whore” DVD series on television. Boredom, blurred-out breasts, and unsatisfied curiosity drove Jordan to his mom’s laptop.

He did his usual safety checks. First, he made sure that his sister, Gloria Jordan, was asleep in her room — which is adjacent to his. He gave a quick listen for his parents, and then made his dash for the laptop.

Every precaution was taken — every precaution except for browser history.

“Rihanna breasts,” “Kim Kardashian ass, “ “Kate Upton boobs,” and “Halle Berry Monster’s Ball” are just a few of the autocomplete inquiries that Williams discovered and read aloud in the presence of Jordan, her friend, his father, and his sister.

“For real ma, on everything I love, I have no idea how this got here,” Jordan recalls telling his mother. “It’s those pop-ups. These sites try and put viruses on the computer. Credit scammers and what not…I only go on ESPN and a few other music sites. We probably need Norton Anti-Virus honestly.”

Still angry and still confused, Jordan’s mother continued to probe him about the naked pictures. Jordan continued to evade. Capitalizing on her confusion, Jordan began throwing out more and more random computer jargon – jargon which would only sound relevant to the unwitting ear.

Stuck between not wanting to come to grips with the fact that her son likely used the family computer to beat his meat and the fact that she knows nothing about the Internet, Williams caved.

“Look, just don’t use the computer anymore,” Williams told him. “Every time I turn around something is broken in this house! You’re probably on the damn thing too much — making it too hot to work right.”

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