The number of Macrappers who dress like they have really cool jobs will outpace the number of actual cool jobs available by a ratio of 71, 482-to-1 by 2016, according to a study released today by The Institute for Dope Jobs.

The IDJ study helps solve a question that has racked the minds of Macrappers for nearly a decade — ‘how many cool jobs can there possibly be in this city?’ Macrappers working run-of-the-mill jobs view the recent findings as welcome news.

“It was really demoralizing to see guys dressed in casual Friday attire on Tuesday mornings,” Amos Jackson, a 34-year-old bank-teller at Monetary Capital Trust Money Bank, tells The Bluffington Roach. “How goddamn awesome is your job that you get to wear a casual button-down shirt tucked into slim-fit jeans with an off-colored blazer, a subtly decorative handkerchief, cosmetic glasses, and a hint of dick-print EVERY day?”

“I want to show a little dick-print on Tuesday mornings once and a while too.” Jackson says.

Straphangers are tormented day-in and day-out by the sight of impeccably dressed men in casual clothing who refuse to sit down for fear of wrinkling their blazers. Instead these men maintain a perfect wide-stance balance just inches away from the closing doors without ever leaning directly against them.

IDJ’s list of “cool” jobs includes graphic-designers, advertising executives and assistants, any employee at any type of internet start-up, restaurateurs, music industry movers and takers, and bloggers who are so in-tune with the pulse of urban culture that their content is capable of causing mild fungal breakouts around the edges of a reader’s taint.

The actual number of people employed within these highly competitive industries doesn’t begin to account for the number of people dressed like they’re headed to work at such jobs. In fact, only 5 percent of those who regularly dress in “cool” job clothing actually work at “cool” jobs.

The IDJ study helps makes sense of the troubling discrepancy:

A whopping 38 percent of those dressed in casual Friday attire on regular weekday mornings are actually substitute English Language Arts teachers at recently opened charter schools. It turns out that substitute teachers are in a prime position to pull off the classy-casual look.

By nature of their position, they usually only work a few days out of the week. So they get to concentrate a lot of planning and laundry budgeting into select outfits. They’re also happy to just be out of the house. And, they want to let their outfits express to the world that ‘hey, I’m productive, yet trendy, yet sophisticated, yet professional.’

What they lose in the instability and tragedy of their work, they gain in the confidence of their wardrobes. Interestingly, IDJ found that many of the people dressed like they work at “cool” jobs don’t actually have a job at all. They just hold fast to the maxim: “always dress for the next job.”

The study also concluded that 65 percent of the people we see dressed like graphic designers don’t actually design graphics.

“This study is a ray of hope for the everyday Macrapper,” Jackson says. “It reminds us that we aren’t failures. A dick-print job is always in arms reach.”

IDJ says that its next study will focus on the fate of low-wage workers who are being priced out of the city but are still an essential part of keeping the city operational.

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