Shock Story: Female Club-Goer Looks to Bathroom Attendant for Pull

clubbathroom — The bathroom area has been cordoned of as *Top Shelf Nightclub* investigates the grisly bagging.

A female club-goer actually attempted to gain pull at a nightclub Saturday by flirting with the club’s bathroom attendant, witnesses say.

It was Latisha “Ti-Ti” Smith’s 26th birthday. She had arranged earlier in the week to celebrate her birthday at Top-Shelf Nightclub in Panhattan. Apparently she thought her friends would be able to get in for free all night. But when some of them arrived late on Saturday, club personnel denied them free entry — claiming that they were only good up until midnight.

A male witness says the heinous incident occurred at approximately 1:33 a.m. That’s when he saw Smith engaged in a conversation with the club’s bathroom attendant. He alleges that Rollin Handwyer, a 32-year-old veteran restroom-helper, and Smith were talking near the entrance of the ladies room.

Phil Maddox, a 23-year-old resident of East Macrapolis in Clarkelyn, says he witnessed the attendant exchange phone numbers with Smith. He allegedly overheard the attendant promising to “hook” Smith and her friends “up” if they ever decided to party at Top Shelf again.

Dumbfounded, Maddox turned to the dude waiting next to him on the bathroom line for confirmation. The dude returned an equally perplexed look.

“That’s the wildest convo I’ve heard in a minute,” Maddox tells The Bluffington Roach. “This chick really tried to get the club hook-up through the soap and paper-towel guy. No disrespect to what he do, but I mean…”

According to Maddox:

The improbable connection was sparked off by Smith’s visible anger. She loudly vented to her friend about the club and its staff while she waited on line for the bathroom.

“Do these bitches know who the fuck I am? This little raggedy ass club ain’t shit. I’ll buy this whole spot out,” Smith allegedly told her friend. “That corny-ass nigga at the door better stop playing with me. I’ll fuck his whole life up.”

The men’s and the ladies rooms are too small at Top-Shelf for an attendant to stand inside. So, Handwyer had his station — which was lined with paper-towels, $1 pieces of gum, and $2 peppermints — set up on a wall in-between the entrance of the two restrooms.

Due to the close set-up, Handwyer had a front-row view of Smith’s tirade. Right before Smith entered the bathroom — she hocked and spat into his trash bin. And, that’s when Handwyer began plotting his attack.

Perhaps it was the bulging flesh seeping through her three-sizes-too-small backless top. Or, maybe it was her skin-tight skirt, which partially revealed the folds of her butt cheeks. Or, it could’ve been her shimmering, rhinestone-encrusted birthday tiara.

Whatever it was, something enticed Handwyer to turn up the charm. We reached out to him for an account of how he laid his mac-game down. This is what he had to say:

I’m in the back of the club by the restrooms doing what I do or whatever. Getting that bread, yah dig? I’m a smooth nigga; so of course I be rapping the joints up all night. They stay hitting me back with the smiles, waves, may I’s and thank yous.

It’s nothing though. That’s the norm.

So, like 1:30 rolls around. By that time, I’m in full g-mode. I go to give this dude a paper towel to dry his hands or whatever, when I seen shorty come out the ladies room.

I peeped her while she was waiting on line to use the bathroom. I was like ‘yoooo she’s bad as shit.’ She had this sexy black top on with the back out, and the cake was looking O.D. right.

So, I tell the dude I’m handing the paper towel to, to kindly step to the side so I can go at shorty. Then I hit her with the craziest line. I was like ‘Ma you wet as hell (cause her hands was wet or whatever). Is there anything I can do to help you with that? Of course she start smiling back and all that.

She looked wild pissed before that though, and I’m like ‘shorty your ass too fat to be mad like that.’ I need to see you smile? I caressed her chin as I said it too — on some true smooth nigga shit.

Then she told me how the doorman was bullshitting and shit. Nigga made her peoples pay at the door. The crazy thing about it was, she said she was wit like four other joints just as bad as her. Like, how you gonna make the bad joints pay to get in? That’s bad business right there.

I’m like these door niggas be wilin’. So I was like, ‘shorty take down my number and hit me up next time you roll through so I can handle that.’ She took it down, gave me hers, smiled, thanked me, and threw a dollar in my tip-basket. Light work.

BluffRo reached out to Smith multiple times to confirm Handwyer’s account, but we were unable to get in contact with her. It’s still unclear how large of a role alcohol played in the incident or whether Handwyer, or any other restroom attendant for that matter, can actually have “pull” at a club.

Onx Teen Sits Idly by while Barbershop Settles on Collida Rice as Name of Former State Secretary

barburrrian

An Onx teenager feels like an asshole for allowing the barbers and customers at his local barbershop to come to the completely wrong consensus about the name of a former politician.

“Somehow, every dude in the shop came to the conclusion that her name is Collida Rice,” Gabriel Walker, a 17-year-old Warningsign Heights native, tells The Bluffington Roach.

The group was actually referring to former U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice — the first black female to hold the position.

The confusion began Thursday afternoon while Walker was waiting to get a haircut. That’s when everyone at the barbershop broke into a thoughtful conversation about politics — specifically the effectiveness of black politicians in America.

Some of the folks in the barbershop were quick to characterize black politicians as self-serving and ineffective. Others argued that black politicians can only accomplish as much as the system allows them to and as much as black people demand, according to Walker.

One barber was adamant in his belief that most black politicians are in power because they’re willing to sell-out their own people. The barber argued that black politicians are able to push agendas that are blatantly detrimental to their black constituencies because many black voters are falsely comforted by the fact that they share the same skin color.

Walker says the barber delivered an impassioned and eloquent speech, in which he argued that there are hordes of black leaders, at every level, who do more to derail the progress of the black community than they do to advance it.

The speech was progressing flawlessly. That is… up until the point that he attempted to cite former Secretary of State Rice is an example of such a politician but couldn’t remember her name.

Soon after, the entire barbershop joined the effort to remember her name. Walker says it took nearly 12 minutes of concentrated group-think for the adult men present at the barbershop to reach a consensus.

“I felt like a real dickhead. He was really making some decent points too,” Walker says. “I knew right away that he was talking about Condoleezza Rice. But, those guys were stumped. The barbers even turned off their clippers to stop and think about it for a minute.”

Finally — with a sense of relief — one customer threw out the name “Collida.” He was confident that he had nailed it. Apparently the rest of the shop was as well.

“That’s it, Collida. Damn, yeah, Collida,” said one man while nodding his head up and down, according to Walker. “Yep, Collida. I don’t know why I couldn’t remember that. She was in office with that ol’ devil Bush.”

Jones allowed an otherwise thoughtful conversation to sound really stupid. The most remarkable part of it all is that no one thought to double-check her name. They were that confident that “Collida” was correct.

“I feel a sense of shame,” Walker says. “But, is it bad that I’m kind of glad that I didn’t say anything — just because it was the funniest shit ever?”

New Book Looks at the High-Stakes Drama of Office Politics in the Fast Food Industry

doubledramawithcheesescan3 — Cover of Dominique Frazier’s new book “Double-Drama Wit Cheese: I’ll Take Lies Wit Dat.”

An Onx woman is set to release a new tell-all book Thursday that explores the office politics played behind the cash registers of some of America’s favorite fast food joints.

Double-Drama Wit Cheese: I’ll take Lies Wit Dat chronicles the career of Dominique Frazier and her struggle to overcome office politics while working behind the counter of some of the highest-profile fast food establishments in the country — Burger Fling, Grease Castle, Mammy’s Fried Chicken Shack and the list goes on.

The book doesn’t contain the type of content that some might expect. It doesn’t discuss issues such as unfair wages, poor working conditions, erratic hours, or mistreatment by management. Nor does it call-out these mega corporations for selling low quality food to millions of people every day.

Fortunately however, it is heavy on the drama.

Frazier, 31, said she was inspired to write the book after reading Confessions of a Video Vixen by Karrine “Superhead” Steffans — a book which chronicles the rigors of being an entertainment industry cum-bucket.

“OMG! She is so brave. She ain’t afraid to be her own woman and chase that paper no matter what the haters say,” Frazier tells The Bluffington Roach. “She gave me the courage to tell my story.”

Here’s an excerpt from the book where Frazier recalls a conversation she had with a manager at Burger Fling about being late:

I told dude straight up. I’m not one of these little ditzy bitches running around here that don’t know what she’s doing. I know what I’m doing. When I get on, I move like clockwork. There’s nobody on the drive-through shift that can match my productivity level. So, I’m like, ‘why you beefin about me being 20-30 minutes late a few times a week?’ I’m about my paper regardless.

In another excerpt, Frazier talks about being betrayed by one of her home-girls on the job. The woman slept with a fellow male coworker, whom Frazier had already been dating for three weeks.

I had met this girl named Brenda on the job back when I worked at Mammy’s Fried Chicken Shack. She was supposed to be my bitch. We hit it off right away. We went to clubs, got our hair and nails done together, watched Hoes and Hip-Hop: Macrapolis, and all that. We was ride or die for like four months.

Then this dude named Elijah started working there. He used to work biscuits and drumsticks. I can’t front he was fine as shit — mad swag, tatted , dope shoes, always wit a fresh cut , popped bottles in the club and all that. She knew I was feelin’ him. I mean, I had been flirting with him for like a week-and-a-half. We started dating after that for like three weeks – Facebook-official and all that. I was really in love with the dude.

He took me out to eat one night – at the job, after our shift. While we was waiting for the food, he went to the bathroom. Nigga slipped up and left his phone. Why I see a text from Brenda talking about ‘I can’t wait for the D tonight?’

I was beyond hurt. I wasn’t even mad at Elijah ‘cause a nigga gonna do what a nigga gonna do. I’m a ride-or-die chick, so it’s whatever. But her? I’m like this nigga just started working here and she giving it up. No, boo! I’m classy! All that nigga was getting was hand-jobs and blowjobs ‘till I knew it was real.

From that point on, I knew I couldn’t trust anyone in the game anymore.

The novel will be out Thursday. It will be available in limited supply exclusively at Aunt Berta’s Chicken and Soul Food in Warningsign Heights for $9.99. Frazier said she’s currently working on a sequel to Double Drama Wit Cheese: I’ll Take Lies Wit Dat tentatively titled Ass or Credit: Charge that to the Game.

Clarkelyn Man Fighting Uphill Battle to Make Jorts Relevant Again

strong_nigga_jean_shorts — An irrationally strong nigga wears jean-shorts and a wife beater while selling cold waters on Goodship Ave. in Clarkelyn. *Photo by Notsquiat.*

Friends and family think he’s insane. But, one Clarkelyn man is on a mission to accomplish the impossible. He wants to make jorts popular during the summertime again.

George James — a 26-year-old native of East Macrapolis, Clarkelyn — is determined to bring the look back. He believes that jorts, also known as jean-shorts, could be the last best weapon against the mass infiltration of feminine clothing into the wardrobes of men throughout the world.

“We’re living in grave times,” James tells The Bluffington Roach. “This clothing item could very well decide, once and for all, whether men are going to dress like actual men during the summertime or whether they’re going to dress like promiscuous teenage girls.”

James wasn’t initially alarmed by the fall of jorts. In fact, he was quite comfortable with the rise of cargo shorts in their place. He felt that cargo shorts worked well with tighter fitting tees and button-ups. But, he’s seen how rapidly that style has devolved into deep V-necks, testes-cutter cargos, and nut-hugger ca-pants.

“When I saw Dwyane Wade show up to that playoff game last season dressed like Tamar Braxton and Russell Westbrook dressed like a trendy sperm cell, I was compelled to act,” James says. “I can’t cure the entire epidemic alone, but I believe that the return of regular-sized jean-shorts could be monumental.”

James is steadfast in his quest to propel the antiquated wardrobe item back into popularity. But, he knows that jorts have fallen far from grace over the last decade.

Jorts reached their pinnacle of popularity during the early 2000s. Although the style was quite popular long before that time period, the early 2000s were something of a golden era for jorts. Clothing stores were stocked to the brim with numerous different styles of jean-shorts — from sandblasted jorts to NBA-patched ones.

Many anthropologists cite rapper 50 Cent as the last real star to make jorts a serious part of his summer wardrobe. The return and rise of tight-ass clothing, which began during the latter part of the last decade, has rendered jorts nearly obsolete.

There are still isolated pockets of men around the city who have remained loyal to the jort. Pretty much any man between 31-44-years-old isn’t afraid to dust off an old pair of jorts and rock them with a pair of Air Force 1s with yellowing soles.

Men over 47-years-old are the only guys who still go out and actually purchase new pairs of jean-shorts. They iron them extremely well and rock them with a pair of clean white socks and a pair of lily-white, off-brand sneakers.

It’s a guarantee during the summertime to see at least one unnecessarily strong nigga wearing a pair of jorts, some Timberland boots, and a wife-beater — or no shirt at all. But, even he only wears that outfit when he’s at the playground doing bar-workouts or selling cold water to oncoming traffic.

James is happy that there are still portions of the population who rock jorts in the summer. But, he understands that if he really wants to bring the look back he’ll have to target 13-26-year-olds. It’s this demographic that truly moves the needle on what’s hot.

In order to reach fellow members of his generation, James has come up with ways to help modernize jorts. First and foremost, he realizes that, on average, t-shirts were five-to-six times larger back when jorts were last popular.

Thus, he proposes that clothing manufactures redesign jorts to fit more like regular-sized cargo shorts do today. This way, they can fit neatly with tighter fitting V-Necks and collared shirts.

James is cautiously optimistic that this strategy can work, but he knows that better fitting jean-shorts could quickly morph into mid-thigh pum-pum jorts. Or, into something even worse: jean-skirts.

The second phase of his strategy is to reach out to young entertainers and athletes and convince them to bring the trend back to its former glory. James is challenging his generation to stand up and take action now — before things get too out of hand.

“God is calling us to take a stand, So future generations of grown men don’t have to dress like pre-pubescent girls headed to a Lil-Twist concert,” James says. “If we don’t fight for jorts and manhood today, all could be lost tomorrow.”

Rapper has Heated Confrontation with Third Graders Because He Sucks at Reading

rapper_reads_bad — Rapper Young SuckSexFull struggles to decode the complex prose of Dr. Seuss while reading aloud to a group of third graders. *Photo by D.M. Notsquiat*

A verbal sparring match broke out at Dwayne Graham Elementary School in the Onx Thursday between popular rapper Lenard “Young SuckSexFull” Jackson and a group of third graders.

The mayhem erupted after the third graders began booing SuckSexFull while he read to them at story time. Apparently, they were unimpressed with his reading skills.

“I ain’t have to do shit for these little niggas brah,” SuckSexFull told The Bluffington Roach following the incident. “Niggas gon’ hate though brah. That’s just motivation for a young, getting-money-nigga like me. The grind don’t stop.”

The intensity of the situation began to build once SuckSexFull got to page four of Dr. Seuss’s “Oh the Places You’ll Go!” By that point, the rap superstar had already struggled over like four or five basic sight-words. And, that’s when the third graders let him have it.

“You read bad!” shouted one.

“Yeah, you stink!” shouted another, as the whole class broke out into giggles.

“I’m gonna let you finish…but…Mrs. Barkley has had some of the best read alouds of all-time,” yelled another.

A grimace came over SuckSexfull’s face. He readjusted his black and gold snapback to the front, and lowered the book below his camouflaged tank-top.

“Be nice, and be respectful!” demanded Lisa Barkley, their 26-year-old teacher, who wears fedoras on weekends and attends spin classes on Tuesday nights. “Mr. SuckSexFull took time out of his busy schedule to come talk to you guys.”

Despite the stern warnings, the third graders refused to relent. After a non-stop seven minute barrage of insults, SuckSexFull broke down.

“Ya’ll niggas hating cause ya’ll not getting no money. I ain’t need school. I ain’t need books, and my money stupid long — longer than all the paper niggas got in this bitch subtracted together,” SuckSexFull shouted at the kids. “I’m out this bitch.”

SuckSexFull proceeded to toss the book to the ground, swag his snapback to the side and leave the classroom. The students cheered, laughed, and picked their noses.

Barkley attempted to keep a stern face in front of the students but admits that she was quite tickled by the incident.

“I wanted to be really mad at the kids, but I couldn’t,” Barkley tells BluffRo. “He was truly a horrible reader. Besides, you heard them. I had one of the best story times of the year.”

Number of Macrappers Dressed Like They Work At Cool Jobs Drastically Outpacing Number of Cool Jobs Available

new_cool_guy_dressed_photo — Impeccably dressed man maintains a perfect wide-stance balance without actually touching the subway doors. It’s unclear what job he’s heading to though. *Photo By D.M. Notsquiat.*

The number of Macrappers who dress like they have really cool jobs will outpace the number of actual cool jobs available by a ratio of 71, 482-to-1 by 2016, according to a study released today by The Institute for Dope Jobs.

The IDJ study helps solve a question that has racked the minds of Macrappers for nearly a decade — ‘how many cool jobs can there possibly be in this city?’ Macrappers working run-of-the-mill jobs view the recent findings as welcome news.

“It was really demoralizing to see guys dressed in casual Friday attire on Tuesday mornings,” Amos Jackson, a 34-year-old bank-teller at Monetary Capital Trust Money Bank, tells The Bluffington Roach. “How goddamn awesome is your job that you get to wear a casual button-down shirt tucked into slim-fit jeans with an off-colored blazer, a subtly decorative handkerchief, cosmetic glasses, and a hint of dick-print EVERY day?”

“I want to show a little dick-print on Tuesday mornings once and a while too.” Jackson says.

Straphangers are tormented day-in and day-out by the sight of impeccably dressed men in casual clothing who refuse to sit down for fear of wrinkling their blazers. Instead these men maintain a perfect wide-stance balance just inches away from the closing doors without ever leaning directly against them.

IDJ’s list of “cool” jobs includes graphic-designers, advertising executives and assistants, any employee at any type of internet start-up, restaurateurs, music industry movers and takers, and bloggers who are so in-tune with the pulse of urban culture that their content is capable of causing mild fungal breakouts around the edges of a reader’s taint.

The actual number of people employed within these highly competitive industries doesn’t begin to account for the number of people dressed like they’re headed to work at such jobs. In fact, only 5 percent of those who regularly dress in “cool” job clothing actually work at “cool” jobs.

The IDJ study helps makes sense of the troubling discrepancy:

A whopping 38 percent of those dressed in casual Friday attire on regular weekday mornings are actually substitute English Language Arts teachers at recently opened charter schools. It turns out that substitute teachers are in a prime position to pull off the classy-casual look.

By nature of their position, they usually only work a few days out of the week. So they get to concentrate a lot of planning and laundry budgeting into select outfits. They’re also happy to just be out of the house. And, they want to let their outfits express to the world that ‘hey, I’m productive, yet trendy, yet sophisticated, yet professional.’

What they lose in the instability and tragedy of their work, they gain in the confidence of their wardrobes. Interestingly, IDJ found that many of the people dressed like they work at “cool” jobs don’t actually have a job at all. They just hold fast to the maxim: “always dress for the next job.”

The study also concluded that 65 percent of the people we see dressed like graphic designers don’t actually design graphics.

“This study is a ray of hope for the everyday Macrapper,” Jackson says. “It reminds us that we aren’t failures. A dick-print job is always in arms reach.”

IDJ says that its next study will focus on the fate of low-wage workers who are being priced out of the city but are still an essential part of keeping the city operational.

City Proposes Sexy and Innovative New Way to House Homeless and Low-Income Macrappers

Homelessness got a whole lot sexier in Macrapolis Monday after Mayor Will H. Rush announced plans to build luxury homeless shelters throughout the city.

Rush presented the “hometels” proposal during a news conference at Shitty Hall. He spoke alongside officials from the city’s Department of Homeless Land Security.

The trillionaire mayor said that the luxury shelters will provide low-income Macrappers with quality living options at no cost. And, amid rapidly rising real estate prices, the plan sounds intriguing at the very least.

“Gone are the days where homeless people have to live in shame and mire in sub-standard conditions,” Rush said during Monday’s news conference. “This city has the power to reimagine and redefine what it means to be homeless in America. The 21st Century will be remembered as the age when homelessness transformed from gross to enviable.”

The DHLS has targeted the East Macrapolis section of Clarkelyn and the Africa section of Kings as the first two sites of construction for the hometels. Hometel residents will be able to stay at a given location for up to 90 days before they have to relocate to a new site.

“We must remember that many of these families haven’t been fortunate enough to afford to go on a vacation,” Rush said. “Now they can essentially live out a perpetual vacation in the world’s dopest city.”

The city plans to partner with Soaring Amazing, Academic Achievement, We Love Kids So Much, Children First Academy, a charter school with more than 40 locations throughout the four boroughs.

Rush said that families enrolled in the program will be able to send their children to any Amazing Achievement Academy location in Macrapolis. The students will also have 24-hour access to their Amazing Achievement Academy teachers thanks to the removal of burdensome union regulations.

Darrel Gates, commissioner of the DHLS, says that construction plans for the hometels are inspired by the concept of micro-apartments — which are being touted as an innovative way to unnecessarily pack large amounts of people into already overcrowded cities.

“Think micro-apartments. But even more compact and efficiently spaced. Designers have already come up with amazing ways to fit families of four to five people in spaces that could’ve only legally fit one occupant in the past,” Gates said during the news conference. “We can conserve space and resources and still give families a modern and chic environment to interact with.”

The individual hometel units will have state-of-the-art amenities. And, the hometel complexes will come equipped with playgrounds, pools, communal resource centers and sustainable rooftop gardens, according to the proposal.

Interestingly, even people who already have permanent residency in Macrapolis would be eligible to enter into the hometel system. Macrappers who decide to sell their homes, leave Section 8 or drop out of the city’s public housing program will be given priority preference in the new shelter system and would receive monetary compensation for entering.

“We have thousands of Macrappers living in inherited homes who are struggling to make ends meet. With Brownstones going for millions of dollars, people can go from poor to wealthy overnight,” Rush said.

“Those living in publicly subsidized homes no longer have to live under sub-par conditions and in violent environments. They can move their families into what will be some of the most luxurious facilities the city has to offer. Each unit will be a poor man’s penthouse.”

Critics say the plan is simply another scheme by the mayor to expedite the removal of the city’s most “undesirable” residents.

“Low-income Macrappers are being priced out of the city’s real estate market. And, he’s trying to make that look sexy,” Sonia Hamer, executive director of the nonprofit advocacy group Don’t Fall For it Again, tells The Bluffington Roach.

She believes that the DHLS is incentivizing low-income Macrappers to evacuate prime real estate — in a plot to accelerate the gentrification of various neighborhoods throughout the city.

“He wants them out of the brownstones. And, he wants them out of the projects, so that developers can turn those into condos,” Hamer says. “If he really wanted to help, he’d revamp the city’s affordable housing program. It’s costing the city upwards of $3,000 each month to house families in shelters. Why not put that money towards permanent housing?”

When Rush was first elected mayor in 1997, the average number of Macrappers sleeping in homeless shelters each night was just above 20,000 people a night. Two years ago, that number topped 50,000 for the first time since the Great Depression Era.

And, those figures continue to rise.

More than half of the city’s shelter population is black, and over 30 percent of shelter residents are Latino. Hamer implores Macrappers not to succumb to the lure of the new project. She argues that the short-term perks of the program will sour in the long run.

“We’ve seen this before. They packed us into those Skinner boxes, which they called housing projects, in cities across the country decades ago. Then they abandoned us. Now they want us gone,” Hamer says. “Look at Pruitt-Igoe. The same thing will happen with the hometels program if we allow it.”

The mayor’s office released a statement regarding the accusations levied against the project by critics. Rush reassured Macrappers that the project would be great for Macrapolis and promised to keep the hometel facilitates in pristine shape.

“The reality is that every thriving city wants to attract hardworking, successful, and wealthy people. They are what make a city great,” Rush said Monday. “But, we mustn’t forget about the lesser among us. And, the Hometel Project is an extraordinary way to ensure that we don’t.”

Kings Teenager Blames Internet Porn Found on Family Computer on Malware

A Historia, Kings teenager blamed computer malware Saturday for the Internet porn found on his technologically un-savvy mother’s computer.

Around noon Saturday, 14-year-old Alan Jordan’s mother, Angela Williams, went to check her horoscope and e-mail on AOL.com. Jordan thought he had memorized his mother’s limited Internet browsing routine.

He hadn’t anticipated that a friend of Williams — with slightly more advanced computer skills — would encourage his mother to do a Google Image search of a set of stainless-steal pots and pans that she’d recently purchased.

“I went to put in pots and pans on the Google, and the word ‘pussy’ came up,” Williams tells The Bluffington Roach. “Then all of this smut popped up on my computer.”

She immediately yelled to her son’s room — demanding an explanation for why 13 vaginas had just popped on her computer screen.

At that moment, a nervous tingle pulsed through Jordan’s body. Usually a masterfully clandestine masturbator, Jordan knew that he had slipped up this time.

“I got sloppy,” Jordan tells BluffRo. “Rule No. 1: never end a session without clearing all web browsing data. I got way too cocky about my mom’s awful computer skills. This was a real wake-up call.”

Google’s AutoFill feature was the catalyst for Jordan’s demise. AutoFill relies on a user’s prior search history to predict and automatically complete search inquiries.

Earlier that morning, around 2 a.m., Jordan watched a loop of infomercials for the “Show Me Your Tits Whore” DVD series on television. Boredom, blurred-out breasts, and unsatisfied curiosity drove Jordan to his mom’s laptop.

He did his usual safety checks. First, he made sure that his sister, Gloria Jordan, was asleep in her room — which is adjacent to his. He gave a quick listen for his parents, and then made his dash for the laptop.

Every precaution was taken — every precaution except for browser history.

“Rihanna breasts,” “Kim Kardashian ass, “ “Kate Upton boobs,” and “Halle Berry Monster’s Ball” are just a few of the autocomplete inquiries that Williams discovered and read aloud in the presence of Jordan, her friend, his father, and his sister.

“For real ma, on everything I love, I have no idea how this got here,” Jordan recalls telling his mother. “It’s those pop-ups. These sites try and put viruses on the computer. Credit scammers and what not…I only go on ESPN and a few other music sites. We probably need Norton Anti-Virus honestly.”

Still angry and still confused, Jordan’s mother continued to probe him about the naked pictures. Jordan continued to evade. Capitalizing on her confusion, Jordan began throwing out more and more random computer jargon – jargon which would only sound relevant to the unwitting ear.

Stuck between not wanting to come to grips with the fact that her son likely used the family computer to beat his meat and the fact that she knows nothing about the Internet, Williams caved.

“Look, just don’t use the computer anymore,” Williams told him. “Every time I turn around something is broken in this house! You’re probably on the damn thing too much — making it too hot to work right.”

Scientists Shocked Fedoras Still Worn at Such High Rate

Scientists are baffled by recent data showing a continued rise in the number of fedoras worn in Macrapolis.

“The scientific community was almost certain that the fedora trend would begin to fade by now,” Fred Noble, special projects director at the Research Institute on Trends, tells The Bluffington Roach . “We severely underestimated people’s desire to appear artistic and just a tad-bit off-beat.”

The RIT first started tracking fedora statistics during the spring of 2008 — that’s when the popularity of the head-wear first burst onto Macrapolis’s fashion landscape, according to Noble. By 2010, fedora purchases had sky-rocketed. Over 33 percent of Macrappers, ages 18-51, owned a fedora.

“Those are extremely high numbers for a straw hat. We thought the popularity of the product had peaked that summer,” Noble says. “We expected to see a steady decline in the popularity of fedoras from that point on.”

The institute’s projections were way off.

Recent data gathered by the RIT, shows that as many as 70 percent of Macrappers owned and wore a fedora at least twice during the summer of 2013 — a near 40 percent increase from 2010.

The biggest surprise about the current popularity of the fedora — is that it was originally a wardrobe choice that reflected the individuality and uniqueness of its owner. Yet, despite the fact that the style is overwhelmingly mainstream now, many fedora-wearers still believe that the hat is a reflection of their inner-artist.

“If everyone is wearing fedoras, and everyone is going for the care-free artistic look, when will that stop being unique and just become standard?” Robert Jones, a large curmudgeonly black guy from The Onx, tells BluffRo.

Noble doesn’t see the trend slowing down anytime soon.

“It looks like this trend might be here for the long haul,” Noble says. “If our projections hold true, we could see anywhere from a 7 to 11 percent increase in the number of fedoras worn by the summer of 2014.”

Macrapolis Corner Stores Will Need More Than Blue Chips and Hummus to Qualify as Organic

macrapolis_stores_hummus — A Clarkelyn store likely to be affected by new legislation.

City Council lowered the boom on Macrapolis convenience stores Monday by passing legislation that prohibits establishments from claiming to be organic without selling actual organic food.

The passing of Local Law 714 aims to tighten requirements on local convenience stores seeking to go organic. Previous standards for going organic only required establishments to install long clear glass windows, add a fancy awning, and sell hummus and chips in healthy looking packaging and containers.

The new organic standards now require establishments to offer actual fresh organic food. Each store is required to carry at least four fresh vegetable and fresh fruit items, and at least five other non-genetically modified products.

Clarkelyn Councilwoman Melanie Selah, a co-sponsor of the bill, says the legislation will bring justice to the thousands of Macrappers who have been duped by deceptive storeowners.

“With the passing of this law, Macrapolis finally has an opportunity to begin healing from the wounds caused by this predatory practice,” Selah tells The Bluffington Roach. “Macrapolis citizens have the right to know that blue chips and hummus alone do not make someone a healthy vegan. Neither does soy ice cream.”

Most importantly, Selah hopes that the bill will help people overcome the self-deception caused by the explosion of inorganic organic stores.

“Under the old rules, many people felt peer-pressured into shopping at stores with nice awnings, nice glass doors and clear windows — just so they could try and fit in with popular health fads,” Selah says. “People no longer have to pretend to be health conscious by buying extremely over-priced junk food in natural-looking wrapping.”

While the new legislation should offer some relief to consumers, many store-owners say that the bill will have a devastating effect on business.

“This food is expensive. They’re driving us out of business with this madness,” Hamid Al Saud, a local store owner in Found Heights, tells BluffRo. “This is what the people want. How are we going to keep up?”

Al Saud says his corner store enjoyed a huge spike in profits after installing blue chips and clear glass windows two years ago.

He fears that he may be forced to go back to identifying as a regular convenience store. And, he contends that such a move would damage the good reputation that his store has gained with the new demographic of people who have moved into the neighborhood.

“I understand that business owners are worried. But, our first priority is the consumer,” Selah says. “Besides, our committee thoroughly researched the impact of the legislation. And, we found that many people will stop pretending to be super healthy, once so many of these stores stop pretending to be organic.”

Local Law 714 is set to go into effect in September. Businesses will have until January 2015 to adhere to the law’s ordinances before violations will be subject to penalty.