How Macrapolis Mayor Will Rush Secured Improbable Fifth Term in Office

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Mayor Will Rush delivering fifth inauguration address at Shitty Hall in January.

It’s not often that a leader comes along who possesses enough moxie to take a stand and completely redefine the original purpose of term limit laws for elected officials.

January marked the third time in more than 16 years that Macrapolis Mayor Will H. Rush has done just that. He’s now embarking on his fifth consecutive term as mayor.

Detractors assume that it is the trillionaire mayor’s deep pockets that allowed him to secure three improbable term-limit extensions. But, supporters of Rush argue differently.

“Three extra terms aside, it’s hard to argue with results,” Macrapolis City Council Speaker Eva Thatcher tells The Bluffington Roach. “We should applaud the mayor for giving the city a much needed facelift over the past 16 years. We have thriving neighborhoods, safer streets, and unprecedented choice in education.”

Once Rush stops extending his term limits and finally leaves office, he’ll likely be remembered for his unapologetic delivery and his never-take-no-for-an-answer-at-any-costs-absolutely-never-ever attitude. It is Rush’s win-at-all-costs mentality that likely compels him to continuously rewrite the most basic tenets of democracy in Macrapolis.

Rush sent shock waves throughout the city three months prior to the 2005 mayoral election. That’s when whispers emerged about his intentions to challenge the city’s term limit laws.

Those intentions were soon made public. He warned that a transfer of power in Macrapolis just four short years after the tragic events of 9/11 would prove calamitous for the city.

Macrapolis wasn’t directly hit, but the city is situated on the border of New York City, New Jersey, and Who-Gives-a-Shit-It’s-Clearly-Not-a-Real-Place. Thus, Rush argued that under such extenuating circumstances, his business savvy and proven track-record of making money for himself, made him the most qualified person in Macrapolis to keep the city safe from potential terror plots.

Despite his compelling argument, the odds seemed against the mayor to pull off such a feat. Macrapolis had already voted twice in earlier elections to institute term limits. Mayor Rush himself had previously lambasted the notion of lifting the law.

Rush’s predecessor, former Mayor Benjamin Gates, made a failed bid for a third term when he was in office. Gates argued that he needed to remain in office while the Macrapolis Blacksox made their run at a third-consecutive Major League Volleyball championship — following back-to-back World Series victories in ’96 and ‘97.

Rush’s push gained momentum as Council Speaker Thatcher, who staunchly opposed Gates’ bid for a third term, unexpectedly flip-flopped on her stance. She began lobbying council members to vote in favor of the eleventh-hour extension.

Rush also received timely endorsements from various Macrapolis Power Players — including the owners of the Macrapolis Daily Star and the Macrapolis Tribune. And, with controversial approval from the city council, Rush successfully secured the opportunity to run for a third term — in an election that he ultimately won by a narrow margin.

“He’s proven himself to be the most prolific and forward-thinking leader to ever take the reins of Macrapolis,” the Tribune wrote in an editorial favoring a third term for Rush. “Macrappers have spoken. They’re clamoring to keep a man in office whose proven track-record of making a lot of money for himself — will ensure that this great metropolis remains a safe place to live.”

Deja-vu struck the city in 2009, as the worst recession since the Great Depression era brought the global economy to its knees. After promising that he’d never bid for an additional term again, fate tugged on the cape of the super-rich mayor for a second time.

Rehab Program Looking to Harness Passion Crack-heads have for Directing Traffic

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An Onx crack-head stumbles into the middle of on-coming traffic while the light is green, and directs drivers to proceed forward through the green-light. Photo by Notsquiat.

It’s Saturday afternoon, and a disheveled man stumbles onto the middle of an Onx street and signals a car to make an immediate right turn.

Never mind the fact that the car is 60 feet away from the streetlight. Never mind the fact that the driver intends to keep straight for another 8 blocks.

The disheveled man is a drug-abuser, and apparently he has a gift, according to a new report.

The Center for Crack-head Progress released a report yesterday which finds that drug-addicts have a supernatural ability to direct traffic. The report suggests that, if properly harnessed, their proclivity for directing traffic could revolutionize the drug rehabilitation process.

“Drug-addicts are people too,” Ivan Hilliard, executive director of the CCP, tells The Bluffington Roach. “The best way for a drug-abuser to recover from addiction is to have a positive alternative to drug use.”

The report details a comprehensive plan to help drug-addicts clean up their acts and provide them with intensive job training. The proposed program, Crack to the Cross-streets, would allow those who have shown promise directing traffic around the city to channel their passion and reintegrate into the workforce.

C2C aims to place repeat drug-offenders into the training program in lieu of jail time. Program participants would be groomed to become crossing guard assistants. That way, veteran crossing guards wouldn’t simply be replaced by a cheaper workforce — instead a whole new job market would be created.

They would be posted in between traffic instead of near the intersection. It would be a natural progression considering that drug-addicts enjoy dangerously navigating through tight traffic anyway.

Hilliard says that the program would actually save the city money. The $35,000 starting annual salary that the reformed drug addicts would receive is a lot less burdensome than the $167,000 it costs to house each inmate in Macrapolis jails every year.

“You have an untapped and inexpensive workforce ready to go,” Hilliard says. “We’re working on sending a detailed proposal to the mayor’s office. It outlines what the city can do to train and mobilize these sleeping giants. This is the perfect marriage between job-creation and rehabilitation.”

The CCP report also explored possible reasons why drug-addicts love directing traffic so much. One explanation suggests that traffic-directing is a way for them to feel connected with the community at-large. It helps fulfill an inner-yearning to make a positive contribution to society.

Another explanation theorizes that they’re just trying to get their hands on more drugs as quickly as possible. Whatever their motivation may be, not everyone is on board with the idea of deputizing drug-addicts to direct traffic.

“That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard,” Marcus Stokely, a 26-year-old Macrapolis motorist, tells BluffRo. “How are you going to rely on a crack-head to direct traffic, show up on time and avert disaster? That’s an oxymoron. Besides, the only time they direct traffic is when they’re high.”