panhattan

clubbathroom — The bathroom area has been cordoned of as *Top Shelf Nightclub* investigates the grisly bagging.

A female club-goer actually attempted to gain pull at a nightclub Saturday by flirting with the club’s bathroom attendant, witnesses say.

It was Latisha “Ti-Ti” Smith’s 26th birthday. She had arranged earlier in the week to celebrate her birthday at Top-Shelf Nightclub in Panhattan. Apparently she thought her friends would be able to get in for free all night. But when some of them arrived late on Saturday, club personnel denied them free entry — claiming that they were only good up until midnight.

A male witness says the heinous incident occurred at approximately 1:33 a.m. That’s when he saw Smith engaged in a conversation with the club’s bathroom attendant. He alleges that Rollin Handwyer, a 32-year-old veteran restroom-helper, and Smith were talking near the entrance of the ladies room.

Phil Maddox, a 23-year-old resident of East Macrapolis in Clarkelyn, says he witnessed the attendant exchange phone numbers with Smith. He allegedly overheard the attendant promising to “hook” Smith and her friends “up” if they ever decided to party at Top Shelf again.

Dumbfounded, Maddox turned to the dude waiting next to him on the bathroom line for confirmation. The dude returned an equally perplexed look.

“That’s the wildest convo I’ve heard in a minute,” Maddox tells The Bluffington Roach. “This chick really tried to get the club hook-up through the soap and paper-towel guy. No disrespect to what he do, but I mean…”

According to Maddox:

The improbable connection was sparked off by Smith’s visible anger. She loudly vented to her friend about the club and its staff while she waited on line for the bathroom.

“Do these bitches know who the fuck I am? This little raggedy ass club ain’t shit. I’ll buy this whole spot out,” Smith allegedly told her friend. “That corny-ass nigga at the door better stop playing with me. I’ll fuck his whole life up.”

The men’s and the ladies rooms are too small at Top-Shelf for an attendant to stand inside. So, Handwyer had his station — which was lined with paper-towels, $1 pieces of gum, and $2 peppermints — set up on a wall in-between the entrance of the two restrooms.

Due to the close set-up, Handwyer had a front-row view of Smith’s tirade. Right before Smith entered the bathroom — she hocked and spat into his trash bin. And, that’s when Handwyer began plotting his attack.

Perhaps it was the bulging flesh seeping through her three-sizes-too-small backless top. Or, maybe it was her skin-tight skirt, which partially revealed the folds of her butt cheeks. Or, it could’ve been her shimmering, rhinestone-encrusted birthday tiara.

Whatever it was, something enticed Handwyer to turn up the charm. We reached out to him for an account of how he laid his mac-game down. This is what he had to say:

I’m in the back of the club by the restrooms doing what I do or whatever. Getting that bread, yah dig? I’m a smooth nigga; so of course I be rapping the joints up all night. They stay hitting me back with the smiles, waves, may I’s and thank yous.

It’s nothing though. That’s the norm.

So, like 1:30 rolls around. By that time, I’m in full g-mode. I go to give this dude a paper towel to dry his hands or whatever, when I seen shorty come out the ladies room.

I peeped her while she was waiting on line to use the bathroom. I was like ‘yoooo she’s bad as shit.’ She had this sexy black top on with the back out, and the cake was looking O.D. right.

So, I tell the dude I’m handing the paper towel to, to kindly step to the side so I can go at shorty. Then I hit her with the craziest line. I was like ‘Ma you wet as hell (cause her hands was wet or whatever). Is there anything I can do to help you with that? Of course she start smiling back and all that.

She looked wild pissed before that though, and I’m like ‘shorty your ass too fat to be mad like that.’ I need to see you smile? I caressed her chin as I said it too — on some true smooth nigga shit.

Then she told me how the doorman was bullshitting and shit. Nigga made her peoples pay at the door. The crazy thing about it was, she said she was wit like four other joints just as bad as her. Like, how you gonna make the bad joints pay to get in? That’s bad business right there.

I’m like these door niggas be wilin’. So I was like, ‘shorty take down my number and hit me up next time you roll through so I can handle that.’ She took it down, gave me hers, smiled, thanked me, and threw a dollar in my tip-basket. Light work.

BluffRo reached out to Smith multiple times to confirm Handwyer’s account, but we were unable to get in contact with her. It’s still unclear how large of a role alcohol played in the incident or whether Handwyer, or any other restroom attendant for that matter, can actually have “pull” at a club.

employee_hr — CFO Woody Cohen Jr. attempts to post up employee Ben Wilson before the two even leave the locker room.

A group of male employees at a Macrapolis-based financial firm filed a formal complaint with human resources yesterday because their boss doesn’t wear underwear when they play pick-up basketball.

Three junior associates at the prominent Panhattan financial firm, Woody Cohen and Associates, say that their boss’s free-balling tendencies have created a hostile and abusive outside-of-work, work environment.

Carter Clarke, 31, George Hilliard, 33, and Ben Wilson, 32, are fed up with their boss, Woody Cohen Jr. And, they’re demanding that he start wearing underwear during all out-of-the-office recreational activities.

The three employees understand the dangers of challenging the firm’s head honcho. But, they insist that any repercussions that may arise from the complaint will be easier to endure than another minute on the basketball court with Cohen.

Wilson says that basketball nights with Cohen have left him forever scarred. It’s so bad the he can’t even exercise indoors anymore.

“I can’t even walk into a gym anymore without breaking down into tears. The sweaty scent of the room is too much for me to handle. I can still smell him,” Wilson tells The Bluffington Roach. “I can’t even play ball with my 5-year-old son on his toy hoop without breaking out in a cold sweat.”

Wilson remembers the first time Cohen stepped onto the court with him and his co-workers three years ago.

He remembers Cohen’s rail-thin 5-foot-9 frame, his abnormally long armpit hairs, his faded men’s league jersey from 40 years ago. And, most vividly, Wilson remembers Cohen’s testes-cutter mesh shorts, which he wore with no drawers underneath and which his right testicle hung half-way out of.

The three associates were reluctant to file the complaint because they all agree that Cohen is a great boss and an all-around decent guy. They concede that he’ll likely be the best boss they’ll ever have.

Cohen demands excellence and hard work, but he keeps the office atmosphere loose and considers the needs of all his employees. In fact, all three men are on the fast track to becoming senior associates within the next three years.

Most people would call the men crazy for putting a relatively stress-free, six-figure job in jeopardy for such a seemingly minor issue. But, the men say that the alleged abuse is destroying their personal lives.

Clarke says he’s experienced deep intimacy issues in his love-life because of Cohen.

“I can’t bear the sight of my girlfriend in panties, boy-shorts, or even a thong anymore. I’m too afraid that a testicle is going to randomly pop out,” Clarke tells BluffRo. “We had to cut a hole through an old pair of her blue jeans just so we can have intercourse.”

Apparently Cohen loves physical play on the court. Hilliard describes Cohen as the kind of guy who will box his opponent out at the three-point line before a shot even goes up. And, even though he’s really un-athletic and uncoordinated, he prides himself on playing ferocious defense. Plus he’s an old guy, so his offensive post-up game extends throughout the entire court.

Hilliard once had a passion for dancing and partying. Now he can’t even two-step with a woman without harkening back to memories of balls-to-body contact with Cohen.

Visualize a set of bare 70-year-old balls and a man’s ass in small mesh shorts, and it’s easier to understand why the three men would put their careers on the line by filing the complaint.

Some readers are likely wondering why the three men didn’t simply approach their boss and politely ask him to put his dick away while they played basketball. Well, it turns out that Cohen is not such a nice guy when it comes to employees questioning his sportswear choices.

When the three men first started making rumblings around the office about the alleged sexual harassment, fellow employees warned them not to step to Cohen with their complaints.

It turns out that for each new set of junior executives who come up the ranks, Cohen chooses a new sport to fall in love with. He then pushes the newly promoted executives to partake in the sport with him until they reach senior level status.

The sport of choice for the previous cycle of junior executives was water polo. Apparently they endured similar trauma. Cohen competed against them while wearing an aquatic thong.

Shaken by Cohen’s wardrobe choice, one of those junior executives allegedly approached Cohen about changing his water polo apparel. The next day, the man showed up to work and discovered that his keycard had been deactivated and found his belongings stacked up in boxes in the corner of the building’s lobby, according to colleagues.

It’s also alleged that Cohen made a few calls to his finance buddies around town. The fired junior executive never found work in Macrapolis’s financial sector again. He now cleans pools for wealthy hedge fund managers in Connecticut.

Thus, Wilson, Clarke, and Hilliard understand that they’re going up against the machine. But, they are praying that official documentation, in the form of the complaint, might force Cohen’s hands when it comes to retaliation.

A resolution for the complaint could take anywhere from six weeks to three months. They don’t want to make a big fuss about the whole thing either.

“Basketball is a contact sport,” Hilliard says. “All we’re asking is that he put his balls away.”

Tag: panhattan

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Employees File Complaint With Human Resources Over Boss’s Testicles