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chasing_pro_hoop_dreams — Two straight victories during pickup basketball at the YMCA somehow gives a fully grown adult man the confidence that he will one day become a professional athlete. *Photo by D.M. Notsquiat

A basketball advocacy group released a report earlier today examining why so many adult males with limited basketball skills are pursuing professional hoop careers.

Players Against Rec-League Nonsense, a nonprofit organization dedicated to cleaning up the world of low-stakes basketball, commissioned the study in order to come up with solutions to help address the growing epidemic.

It should be noted that the report doesn’t condemn all adult males who pursue professional basketball careers. Guys who played Division I basketball or had standout college careers at lower levels have reserved the right to pursue professional basketball careers.

That privilege even extends to guys who had great high school careers or have a big-time street-ball reputation.

“We’re targeting men who, for lack of better wording, have no fucking business trying to be serious about basketball,” Eric Welsing, executive director of PARLN, tells The Bluffington Roach.

PARLN’s report indicates that these men suffer from a condition known as basketphrenia. The symptoms of basketphrenia are very similar to the symptoms found in men suffering from Bums Disguised as Good Players Syndrome.

Both conditions cause individuals to develop an inflated sense of their skills and abilities on the basketball court. This leads to the development of two personas — one of the individual’s imagined self, and one of his actual self.

The primary difference between BDGPS and basketphrenia is that individuals with basketphrenia are actually relatively decent at the sport — meaning they’re usually average to above-average players during run-of-the-mill pick-up games.

Thus, the over-inflation of their imagined selves is slightly less severe than those suffering from BDGPS. None-the-less, they have no business pursuing a career in professional basketball either.

The report advises those looking for signs of basketphrenia in adult males to observe whether suspected individuals “work out” more frequently now than they did when they actually had a chance to make it somewhere.

PARLN also warns to be on the lookout for guys who have never really accomplished anything of note at any point in their careers. According to the report, victims of basketphrenia were often bench or role-players in youth leagues and high school.

Also be leery of guys who have been “on their way” to more than three junior colleges in obscure locations and guys who are always on the cusp of going to play overseas but are somehow always in the hood, the report warns.

“Niggas must be late bloomers — because every day I run into dudes who I’ve always been way better at basketball than. Yet, they always claim that they’re either heading overseas or preparing to work out for an overseas team,” Amos Turner, a former four-year starting point guard at a mid-major Division I school, tells BluffRo. “Maybe I’ve got it fucked up because even with my resume, and all the hard work I put in for years, I couldn’t catch on long-term in a good league.”

The report warns that individuals suffering from basketphrenia are subject to tell people anything when they’re updating them on the status of their career. PARLN says that it’s best not to press individuals while they’re in the midst of telling a blatant lie. Pressing them on their obvious bull-shit will only fuel them to tell even taller tales, according to the report.

“When one of these guys tells you that he’s heading overseas to play in a league in the Congo, do NOT question him by asking ‘isn’t there a deadly Western/corporate-backed proxy war raging over there?’” Welsing says. “Just let it go. Who knows what lies he’ll concoct to explain that away.”

The epidemic of terrible adult male basketball players pursuing professional hoop dreams is particularly widespread within the black community. Ultimately, Welsing hopes that the PARLN report will spark a movement to get these delusional adult black men the help they need.

He believes that the energy these men put into chasing an unobtainable goal could actually be used to build a business, learn a trade, further their education and/or uplift their community.

“We’re trapped in a system that works to derail the growth of black men,” Welsing says. “God knows we could use all the able men we’ve got to anchor stronger families and properly nurture future generations.”

bad_rec_baller — Henry Hill, 26, eagerly awaits the opportunity to do absolutely nothing during the next game.

Henry Hill, 26, enters the gym wearing a long black sleeve on each elbow, a double wristband over his right forearm, a manually-cut sleeveless shirt, a calf-sleeve on each leg and two rubber awareness bracelets around each wrist.

Some observers would say Hill looks like a true baller. Others would say he looks like a real dick-head.

Players Against Rec-League Non-Sense, a non-profit organization dedicated to cleaning up the world of low-stakes basketball, says that such attire is symptomatic of a larger epidemic plaguing rec-centers across the country.

“Henry? He’s been playing with Stage IV basketball cancer for years. It has severely impaired his skills and his ability to be a likable human-being,” Drew Chandler, a 28-year-old former NCAA Division II point guard, jokingly told The Bluffington Roach. “Nah, but for real, he’s horrible in every way.”

Basketball cancer isn’t a classified medical disorder, but many horrible-to-mediocre adult males are suffering from a chronic condition known as Bums Disguised as Good Players Syndrome.

Symptoms of BDGPS often include severe delusion, limited athleticism, limited talent, limited-to-no skills, absurd arrogance, and a pathological obsession with extremely tacky basketball gear. The disorder often causes victims to pursue a career in professional basketball, despite failing to achieve any success in the sport, at any level, anywhere, at any time in their lives.

PARLN projects that by 2020 nearly 85% of all pick-up basketball players will suffer from the condition. Guys who can actually ball say they’ve noticed a steady decline in the quality of recreational basketball in recent years.

“I’m out here trying to get a decent run in man. These guys are so extra though,” Chandler said. “I’m not trying to deal with clowns who want to wait until they’re grown-ass men to chase their hoop dreams.”

Despite receiving frequent reality checks and votes of non-confidence from guys who once enjoyed some semblance of success in the sport, BDGPS victims remain remarkably undeterred.

“I’m trying to go overseas,” Hill told BluffRo. “I was about to sign a deal to go play for a team out in Somalia, but like, the famine over there — it kind of complicated that situation or whatever. But, my agent opened talks with a team out in Syria. We just have to see what happens with the violent warfare going on over there — fingers crossed [sic].”

Minutes later, with a steady flow of sweat running from his headband down to his temple, Hill hoisted up a game-deciding three-pointer. It was a two-handed, fade-away rocket. His tongue stuck far out of his mouth invoking images of Michael Jordan. He held his two-handed follow-through with unshakeable confidence.

The shot clanked hard off the back-board — without grazing even a fraction of the hoop.

At that moment, the devastating effects of BDGPS became all too real to those in attendance.

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