A group of male employees at a Macrapolis-based financial firm filed a formal complaint with human resources yesterday because their boss doesn’t wear underwear when they play pick-up basketball.

Three junior associates at the prominent Panhattan financial firm, Woody Cohen and Associates, say that their boss’s free-balling tendencies have created a hostile and abusive outside-of-work, work environment.

Carter Clarke, 31, George Hilliard, 33, and Ben Wilson, 32, are fed up with their boss, Woody Cohen Jr. And, they’re demanding that he start wearing underwear during all out-of-the-office recreational activities.

The three employees understand the dangers of challenging the firm’s head honcho. But, they insist that any repercussions that may arise from the complaint will be easier to endure than another minute on the basketball court with Cohen.

Wilson says that basketball nights with Cohen have left him forever scarred. It’s so bad the he can’t even exercise indoors anymore.

“I can’t even walk into a gym anymore without breaking down into tears. The sweaty scent of the room is too much for me to handle. I can still smell him,” Wilson tells The Bluffington Roach. “I can’t even play ball with my 5-year-old son on his toy hoop without breaking out in a cold sweat.”

Wilson remembers the first time Cohen stepped onto the court with him and his co-workers three years ago.

He remembers Cohen’s rail-thin 5-foot-9 frame, his abnormally long armpit hairs, his faded men’s league jersey from 40 years ago. And, most vividly, Wilson remembers Cohen’s testes-cutter mesh shorts, which he wore with no drawers underneath and which his right testicle hung half-way out of.

The three associates were reluctant to file the complaint because they all agree that Cohen is a great boss and an all-around decent guy. They concede that he’ll likely be the best boss they’ll ever have.

Cohen demands excellence and hard work, but he keeps the office atmosphere loose and considers the needs of all his employees. In fact, all three men are on the fast track to becoming senior associates within the next three years.

Most people would call the men crazy for putting a relatively stress-free, six-figure job in jeopardy for such a seemingly minor issue. But, the men say that the alleged abuse is destroying their personal lives.

Clarke says he’s experienced deep intimacy issues in his love-life because of Cohen.

“I can’t bear the sight of my girlfriend in panties, boy-shorts, or even a thong anymore. I’m too afraid that a testicle is going to randomly pop out,” Clarke tells BluffRo. “We had to cut a hole through an old pair of her blue jeans just so we can have intercourse.”

Apparently Cohen loves physical play on the court. Hilliard describes Cohen as the kind of guy who will box his opponent out at the three-point line before a shot even goes up. And, even though he’s really un-athletic and uncoordinated, he prides himself on playing ferocious defense. Plus he’s an old guy, so his offensive post-up game extends throughout the entire court.

Hilliard once had a passion for dancing and partying. Now he can’t even two-step with a woman without harkening back to memories of balls-to-body contact with Cohen.

Visualize a set of bare 70-year-old balls and a man’s ass in small mesh shorts, and it’s easier to understand why the three men would put their careers on the line by filing the complaint.

Some readers are likely wondering why the three men didn’t simply approach their boss and politely ask him to put his dick away while they played basketball. Well, it turns out that Cohen is not such a nice guy when it comes to employees questioning his sportswear choices.

When the three men first started making rumblings around the office about the alleged sexual harassment, fellow employees warned them not to step to Cohen with their complaints.

It turns out that for each new set of junior executives who come up the ranks, Cohen chooses a new sport to fall in love with. He then pushes the newly promoted executives to partake in the sport with him until they reach senior level status.

The sport of choice for the previous cycle of junior executives was water polo. Apparently they endured similar trauma. Cohen competed against them while wearing an aquatic thong.

Shaken by Cohen’s wardrobe choice, one of those junior executives allegedly approached Cohen about changing his water polo apparel. The next day, the man showed up to work and discovered that his keycard had been deactivated and found his belongings stacked up in boxes in the corner of the building’s lobby, according to colleagues.

It’s also alleged that Cohen made a few calls to his finance buddies around town. The fired junior executive never found work in Macrapolis’s financial sector again. He now cleans pools for wealthy hedge fund managers in Connecticut.

Thus, Wilson, Clarke, and Hilliard understand that they’re going up against the machine. But, they are praying that official documentation, in the form of the complaint, might force Cohen’s hands when it comes to retaliation.

A resolution for the complaint could take anywhere from six weeks to three months. They don’t want to make a big fuss about the whole thing either.

“Basketball is a contact sport,” Hilliard says. “All we’re asking is that he put his balls away.”

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